Hi Everyone. I can't say that I'm happy to be here, but it's great to have found an outlet for support.
So, as much as I'd rather not live through this again, here's my story...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9 years. She is 45, I am 43. We have 2 children: an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. We have a beautiful home, great careers and a supportive family.
Our relationship has always been on an even keel. We're good friends, we're sexually compatible, we enjoy some of the same interests, we share the same values for life, family and raising children and we have fun.
I believe the trouble began a few years ago when my wife's mother died from cancer. During her grieving process, she started to detach from our relationship.
I did not help matters. I was reluctant to treat her like a partner in our relationship. I had made the false assumption that because I worked full time and she worked part time that she would take care of the house and our family. Now this is not to say that I didn't help out when she asked me to. I'm very involved with our children and I don't come home from work and just lay on the couch expecting to be served. However, I always leaned on her to make the "executive" decisions for our family.
In short, I was self-centered. I took advantage of our relationship and didn't help to nurture it. Something it desperately needed during this time.
In January of this year she must have reached her tipping point. She began having an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend. The emotional affair eventually led to a physical one as well.
By May we had been having some serious talks about the relationship and what she needed from me to make things better. I listened, I accepted responsibility, I bought some books and I started individual therapy. All the while I had not suspected anything related to the affair.
On May 27th, while at work and innocently checking our wireless data plan I noticed a phone number that appeared very often on her call list. She has several girlfriends so I attributed the calls to one of them. However, something just didn't seem right. Once I looked up the number and realized who it was, I immediately called her and confronted her about the affair.
That evening she came clean with all the information. She told me that the affair was over and that she had decided to end it in order to try to fix our marriage. She had made an appointment with a relationship therapist to get help and was going to seek advice about whether or not to tell me about the affair.
For me, this was the beginning of the crisis, but obviously she had been living with it for a much longer time and (she admits) kept it to herself.
She started weekly counseling. Things began to take an upturn. We went on a few dates and started having sex at regular intervals again (2/3 times/week). This upturn peaked at the end of August when we spent a week at the beach with our kids. We all had an incredible time. It felt like things were on the mend.
After returning from the vacation and getting back into the routine of a new school season, things got worse. She started pulling away. She showed a lack of intimacy towards me (not just sex, but any kind of closeness). We talked about it several times. On some occasions the talks seemed to help us make some progress in understanding each other. Other times they didn't.
At this point she admitted to me that she had lost her attraction to me and that she was no longer interested in sex.
Things continued to decline over the next 6 weeks. Eventually I decided that it was important for us to seek a couple's therapist. She agreed and we have an appointment for an initial consultation on Monday.
But the bottom really fell out of my world when she told me a few nights ago that she's considering separation. Up until that moment we had been in agreement that we both wanted to work on the marriage. Now she's not so sure. I don't believe that she's ready for a separation, but she's thinking about it. She has told me that she needs space and that spending time alone with me makes her anxious.
After this latest revelation I started reading Divorce Busters as well as the advice on these forums. I realize now that I did all the wrong things after she revealed her affair. I chased her too much. I constantly asked her how she was feeling or how her therapy was going. I sulked and acted passive aggressive in order to get her attention. I lost my backbone and my confidence. I presented myself as the insecure child that she needed to take care of. At the time I didn't realize that these things were going to make things worse. After all, she's my best friend and I'm hurting. How could I not turn to her to make me feel better?
So after some soul searching and reflection I decided to try a new approach. I believe it's a combination of the LRT and the 180 technique. I've committed myself to be 100% positive and confident in her presence. To not bring up anything about the relationship. To not appear moody or hurt or sad. To find things to do on my own and give her the space that she needs. To focus on my kids, my health, my job, my friends, and my hobbies.
We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. We are still very cordial to each other (when we're not talking about our relationship) and we do things together as a family. We still kiss good morning, goodbye, hello, and goodnight. We still hug usually once/day.
(Wow this post is long, and I've only revealed about 10% of the details.)
So I don't really have any specific questions for this board. I think I'm on the right track. What I really need is some support and (frankly) a bit of hand holding. This is the toughest thing I've ever had to endure but I am 100% committed to trying to save my marriage. I know there are no guarantees, but I won't be able to live with myself if I can't honestly say that I've done everything in my power to avoid a divorce.
If you made it down this far, thanks for reading. Comments, criticisms, and advice are all very much welcome.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
I'd thought I might add a few things in an effort to keep this post at the moving up.
In July I sought help from a psychiatrist. The anxiety and depression caused by this situation was keeping me from functioning normally. I was prescribed Lexapro and Wellbutrin. So far it has helped, but I would like to be medication free in the near future.
I think the hardest part is that nobody knows. Other than one long distance friend and my therapist, I haven't confided in anyone. It's extremely difficult to keep up appearances in front of family and friends. My wife and I don't fight much at all and when we do, the kids aren't around. I don't know if they suspect what's happening...
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Hey Chris, sorry to hear about your sitch. Make sure you do your homework from cadets post. Try to detach and give her the space that she is asking for. It is my opinion that if you can keep your whole family and friends from knowing what is going on then it will be easier for her to stay with you if that's what she wants eventually. I thought I was giving my wife space for over a month only to find out that she felt I hadn't because I was confiding in family and mutual friends about our issues. As soon as I stopped sharing she seemed more at ease around me. I have 1 friend that I confide in (he's also my pastor) that she knows I talk to. Also I come here for support and advice on my sitch.
Good luck my friend. Hang in there and don't hesitate to lean on the great people here for support and encouragement.
Me:42 W:37 M:18 T:23 3S: 4,7,10 EA 6/16 ILYBNILWY 7/16 9/16 separate BR 10/16 Discernment Counseling She's moving out 1/17
I think the hardest part is that nobody knows. Other than one long distance friend and my therapist, I haven't confided in anyone. It's extremely difficult to keep up appearances in front of family and friends. My wife and I don't fight much at all and when we do, the kids aren't around. I don't know if they suspect what's happening...
I know this song well. From March 9th to Mother's day even our adult kids didn't know how severe the problems were at home. I requested that W tell S22 (being as it was her choice to want to leave) before his Mother's day visit at least the basics. Until she moved out in July we kept up appearances in the community and even now that she's been gone for months everything is still very quiet.
It tore me up inside and I built up a lot of resentment for my W. One of the vets on the MLC forum - eric - gave me a good perspective though. Instead of holding things quiet to protect my W, it was to protect my family and marriage. It still hurts but the anger is less focused.
I'm not sure on your own reasons for holding things quiet but be careful of building up resentment of your W for it.
Good luck!
On BD H52, W50 T27, M26 S21, D23 BD-9-Mar-16 D-15-Jan-18 Final-19-Apr-18 I am a storyteller. The story may do you no good. But a story is never for the listener. It is always for the one who tells
Saturday mornings are always the worst. My wife is a massage therapist and works all day and I'm solely responsible for my kids. Until our problems started this was fine. I enjoyed having them all to myself for the day. But lately it feels like I'm practicing for my divorce and it's REALLY depressing. So much so that I sometimes become impatient with my kids. Clearly this is counter-productive.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
So hard for me not to micro-analyze her every word and action. We went to a picnic yesterday for my son's school. I spent most of the day by her side, doing my part to represent us as a couple while talking with the other parents. But it seemed very strained.
I've been trying to be helpful and positive but I'm also leaving her alone, giving her space. I wish I knew how she was feeling, but I won't ask. This is so hard, but I'm keeping it together. I wish I had taken this approach months ago.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
Today is our first session with a MC and I'm ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED!
I have been holding it together really well since last week when my W told me that she's considering separation. But this morning was really tough.
My son is going through some emotions since he started at a new school this year (he's in 3rd grade, new friends, etc.) and his sadness this morning really got to me. I broke down in front of my W. There was no stopping it. The stress of all the work and worry that I'm contributing to this marriage reached a tipping point. I was hoping to wait until I was alone to break down but it didn't happen.
I have a suspicion that my W is going to use our first MC session to come clean and announce that she wants a separation and would like to use these MC sessions to discuss how we can proceed as amicably as possible and with the least amount of stress for the kids.
Meanwhile, I'm hoping that this first session will allow us to begin the dialog of working towards reconciliation. I know the DB techniques emphasize staying positive and detaching, but I kinda think the MC sessions are where the barriers should be broken down and both people speak freely.
If anyone has any advice for me I'd really appreciate it. I will post again after the session with a rundown of how it went.
Pray for me.
M46 W48 M11 T14 S11 D8 BD: 2016/05/27 In-home separation: 2016/11/23 Nesting: 2017/06/11 W moves out: 2018/01/07 W goes public with OM: 2018/07/12 I ask for a divorce: 2018/12/14
