I know I am really not one to talk about pain, because periodically I am overwhelmed by my own demons. And I say this knowing that it is the pot calling the kettle black.
There was a time I think when I wore my pain and sadness as a tribute to and a memorial to everything I had overcome in my life, if I didn't remember the battles and the war, then who would remember, what would it all have been for. So I kept flying my flag and standing tall and keeping watch over the battlefield of my life. I would relive everything that happened over and over, experiencing the trauma and loss over and over.
I don't think it was until I arrived here, that I started to question how well this particular life strategy served me.
I've tried writing this a thousand times and I can't make my point as eloquently as you would. I will say this and then attempt to let it be. The pain goes when you let it go Zues. There is no honour to be had in standing over a battlefield where people have died and you made a choice to remain standing guard over the empty battle field and in doing so failed to live
I have been thinking over and over about how you work through issues and problems. I think I recall you saying once that you play things over and over, like practising a particular shot on the pool table, same shot a thousand times, until it is perfected , until on game day the shot occurs like a breath in and out. Automated and precise.
Please forgive me if what follows causes you pain, it is not intended, in fact the opposite is true. I know very little about pool, in fact I am completely incompetent at it, I have never understood angles and due to my complete lack if coordination , holding a pool cue with any finesse is outside of any possibility. I know enough though to understand that if you don't understand the angles of a particular shot you won't do anything more than shift the balls around the table, and fail to make a pocket.
I know you say you are happy right now with what you have with your children and all you have achieved and I don't doubt the fulfilment that brings you. I also know that you say you don't care that you feel you are lone voice on the topic of divorce. I know you say that you are happy not pursuing friendship with women, I know you say that you never likely going to pursue a commited intimate emotional and sexual relationship with a woman again. I believe all these statements are true for you.
But I keep coming back to all these things, all these statements feel to me like you are pushing balls around a pool table and not one of them making a pocket. It's like you want to lose this game. I see you finding more comfort in going over the play by play, pool shot by pool shot that led to the loss of your marriage, than taking everything you learned and putting that into a game where you could win, and likely win big. I'm not sure why the champion has retired, or why in fact the champion in fact seems to have just plain quit.
You wrote recently that you never intend to bicker with us. None of us that post to you Zues experience you that way. Nor is it our intention to make you feel critiqued. You are loved and respected here, by many. Our words and love have no intention to push you away or hurt. We all just want the very best for you. I want the very best for you.
I know that of everyone that posts to you, I'm likely to push a few more of your emotional buttons than the others. You do the same for me. But I know you have my very best interests at heart and you cared for me when I couldn't care for myself. You are often in my thoughts.
