where to begin or end?

[Rose888]

I read through DR. And pretty much got that i need to go LRT since my wife has moved out to persue her affair. And that i need to GAL. As thats what most my friends n family say as well, but getting a life feels like moving on which feels like giving up and closing the door. To me that would be starting new relationships or having my fun. Which feels like a violation of my marriage and caving to temptation. That nearly happened once already after she left and i feel if im to take that route, i might as well file for divorce myself...

This makes it sound like you can't think of any way to get a life that doesn't involve a romantic or sexual relationship. Is that really what you mean to say?

[jade]

Whats meant by boundries with OM. I have no recourse as to tellung my wife he shouldnt be around our kids. She hasnt dared bring him around me but is pushing him on the kids and her family even though they arent comfortable with any if this scenario

[jade]

Truthfully i dont know how to get a life and meet new friends. And we all want to feel loved. Idk, im trying but i seem to gravitate toward women. Id prefer to keep my focus on my wife, but thats counter intuitive to GAL

[Rose888]

Truthfully i dont know how to get a life and meet new friends. And we all want to feel loved. Idk, im trying but i seem to gravitate toward women. Id prefer to keep my focus on my wife, but thats counter intuitive to GAL

Figuring out how take responsibility for your own happiness, independent of any relationship, is hugely important.

In my seven months on the board, I haven't seen anyone succeed who has failed to figure this part out.

And it's not just important in troubled marriages. It's actually a key mark of a healthy relationship.

[jade]

I spend lots of time either with my kids when they are with me, or with friends when they arent. I truly want to be there for my wife when she falls, to which based on almost all accounts her affair will die. I was generally a good husband, no drinking, drugs, smoking, neglect or hitting. Yes we had our issues mostly with communication of each others dissatifactions within the marriage. I hope she can see that one day if i dont keep muddying up the current situation

[doodler]

jade,

Your wife has you and the OM pining for her; she has exactly what she wants. She has no incentive to change.

[Mowgli]

Jade,

As hard as this is going to be to hear, you need to hear it:

you can't be there for her when she falls.

You have to "let go." She has to battle her own demons and trust me, she can't if she knows that you're acting as a safety net. You'll end up plan B and you'll end up in this situation again.

Do what you need to do. GAL and try to put her in the back of your mind.

I know it's not easy to drop the rope, even if you want to, but in this case you need to fake it till you make it man.

[Rose888]

I spend lots of time either with my kids when they are with me, or with friends when they arent. I truly want to be there for my wife when she falls, to which based on almost all accounts her affair will die. I was generally a good husband, no drinking, drugs, smoking, neglect or hitting. Yes we had our issues mostly with communication of each others dissatifactions within the marriage. I hope she can see that one day if i dont keep muddying up the current situation

I can't tell. Are you implying that you don't need to change, that all you need to do is wait for your wife to realize how good she had it?

I haven't seen that approach work.

Your list of what made you a "good husband" is a pretty low bar. I tend to assume those are givens.

As for being there for your wife, detaching and GALing won't prevent you from doing that if your wife some day turns to you for support.

My husband never moved out and didn't (to my knowledge) have an affair. We are piecing--things are really good--and I still work on detaching and GAL as important parts of keeping things good and not slipping back into old habits.

[jade]

I had my faults. We slipped into a slump, a while back with kids n daycare, our dynamic changed but we didnt address our new needs. I took her for granted and flirted with others as a source of validation when i felt unloved by her. I wasnt the family/housekeeper man, i was the good career bread winner. I know ive got work to do, i have to make sure my changes are ones that i can keep permanent.

On the other side, OM likes his freedom, didnt want kids with his wife of 10yrs, drinks and is occasional drug user with a part time job and now mostly stays with his parents since his wife kicked him out.

[jade]

Now my wife is pissed that i didnt inform her of my weekend plans with the kids on my weekend. Saying i should have informed her. I wont have to in divorce since thats what she wants. How to validate? And diffuse?