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[JRuss]

I've learned the hard way that "detaching" and any sort of effort looking to ascertain the "effect" it may be having on your spouse are two things that can't really exist at the same time. If you are detached, you won't be checking to see how it is impacting your spouse (which paradoxically gives it the best chance of impacting your spouse); if you are not detached, then you will be checking. It is the hardest part of all of this, IMO. The more you "try" to detach, the more it will elude you. There's an infuriating zen quality to it -- reach for it, and you can't grab it; don't seek it, and it will one day be there, like a protective piece of emotional armor you don't remember putting on.