Just Tired

[Surfer]

Tired

Read a fair chunk of your sitch.

Looks like you W was heavily criticised and spewed at as a child. Also looks like you are prone to this perhaps - certainly inwardly. I say this because my F was critical (but so was his F - I am much less but can be prone to this), my W's M - big criticiser. See we are often drawn to familiar things. Things we see as a child. That is why the child of and alcoholic might marry an alcoholic, child of a violent father might marry a violent man.

I had the four horsemen when I came home too. Many things you have written I have experience of as do others. Keep posting and everyone will help you and try not to see red when something stings.

Also, feel free to vent/journal. Sometimes you might need to say 'I've had enough of this cr@p'. Often you will calm down and rethink and realise it was a vent of feelings not an cognitive process per se. These feelings only lead to an action when you take an action and often we engage the brain when we feel more resilient. If this is happening a lot you might want to try free apps such as 'calm' or 'headspace'. Try them and they will help.

Also get plenty of regular exercise (running etc) and make sure you sleep properly. This is very important and if you smoke cigarettes try to keep that down and avoid alcohol where you can - they will string your nerves out. The good news is you can still eat spicy/junk food. Ha ha.

I could see your natural response to a late night for the kids is to see red (I used to be like this too when kids were up late). But what happened when you took a breath and looked? Your heart melted at Kids snuggling. You need to work on you with this..

You have the 5LL book and you need to read DR at least and do cadets links. Detachment etc. Lots to read. But turning to your LL sitch. Your W's LL is not criticism. So best avoid that. Do more of the stepping back to see the positives and when you have conversations do try and guide them to safe territory. If she blows and starts to spew. Listen, there is always useful info in those rants 'you always' etc. Try pick up knowledge and validate - check out the validation cheat sheets (by Wonka I think). Try not to apologise too much but do exit with boundaries if she really flares. Do not let you kids hear or see arguements if at all possible. If you do often they will end up as the next generation to do this. You already have at least two!

Sorry I don't have much time at the moment but I will pop back.

Remember we are all either going through the same thing, have been or will be. People will help you here.

Keep posting, even if you have little to say.

Surfer.