A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

Well, the oddness continues. W has started her loop of going to bed at 3-4am again. Started on Monday evening last week. She had been fairly consistent at going to bed at 12 before that. Wakes me up when she gets in bed, so leads to less sleep for me.

W gets mad fri evening bc she says I'm distracting my D from her bedtime routine. I always joke with D while she brushes her teeth but W felt the need to latch onto it on Friday. W tells me I need to stop aleways distracting D. I tell her I don't believe it's an issue and it's not too dissimilar to how her and D joke around at bed. Later I tuck in D and get ready for bed and I've got an apologetic text from W where she says she's sorry and asks if I can just try not to distract her too much.

Didn't get too much sleep Friday evening as the S agreement was swirling in my brain and W hopping in bed at 3 woke me up when I did get to sleep. D and I got to the museum for 4 hours and have a blast. Come home and W takes D to a bday party. I go run and then sit down to watch my college team play. I turn on most of the lights and open the blinds. (W doesn't like it when all the lights are on for some reason, but it makes it less clautrophobic). An hour later W and D come home. W immediately comes into the family room and shuts the blinds pointedly. I ask her why she shut the blinds. She says it's getting dark and everyone in the neighborhood can see into our house (they face our backyard so unsure how that works) and I shouldn't care. Then she heads upstairs. I open the blinds again (seems so stupid, but necessary) and tell her when she comes back down that I've opened them bc it makes things less claustrophobic and I'll shut them when D and W come into the family room. She slams some stuff around in the kitchen then stomps into the family room.

She tells me that she doesn't feel comfortable with the blinds open and I need to respect that. I tell her I hear her but if she wants to do something like that she needs to ask me first. She tells me I need to stop being so abrasive with her. I need to stop being so ridiculous and stop being such an ahole. I am fighting her on everything and am going out of my way to disagree about everything. I'm making all of this more difficult.

W then asks me if I want to stay in this situation or not. She says if I do and we are going to live together for years then I need to be nicer to her. I tell her I hear what's she's saying but I don't understand what she means. She asks, are you effing stupid. She says do you want to stay married or get divorced. I tell her I still do not want to divorce but but we can't live in a marriage that is e way it is now. She then says "you've won. I'm stuck. I get how much this will hurt our D. Call the co-parenting counselor and cancel it. Call up the previous MC and setup an appointment." I tell her no one has won in this situation. She says our D has won. She asks again if I want to stay married or divorced. I tell her the same back. She asks me to think about it and come back with an answer.

She then repeats how uncomfortable the blinds being open makes her. She says I need to respect that. I tell her I hear how it makes her uncomfortable but I need her to ask me before doing stuff that affects me like that going forward. She then makes a big show of asking if it's ok to close the blinds, I say yes and thank you for asking and she stomps off.

No real interaction with W since that. D and I went out hiking and Pokémon hunting all morning today and W has taken D and friends to a movie.

So.....horribly confused at the moment. Debating how to approach this. Got the S agreement from her last Friday. Now she has this "martyr" mentality and still harbors a lot of the same anger and resentment, so far as I can tell. She hasn't gotten any help on her anxiety issues. Additionally, I saw on our browser history that she'd gotten notification in her email of a message from OM (not sure what medium they used and don't really care) on 10/14 after she told me she would not speak/visit him while we were still married late August.

I believe this is her waffling like in late August and would not be surprised for her to flip the other way shortly. I'm not willing to pursue being M to her unless she gets her anxiety straightened out. She may be realizing how hard it is to find a job that fits with her view of time with D and cash flow needed. Maybe she's stalling. That's currently where my brain is but I'm tired of playing these games. I do feel myself warming up to her after that though. Think that's ok, so long as I don't let her run me over. I just don't see this as being anything sincere.

Well, enough rambling. Parent teacher conference with W tomorrow morning. Means I can get up and hang out with my D before school. Look fwd to that.