I just started going down a similar path after my wife walked out about two and half months ago
I have come to the realization that I'm dealing with a full blown narcissists that blames me for all of her short comings and issues. No matter how much praise, love, gifts, and emotional comfort I showered her with over the years it was never enough.
She has deep self-esteem issues and every time I tried to brush-off her worries or show affection (as a form of comfort) she saw it as a direct attack on her. I often would leave conversations with her hurt, angry, and confused.
We went to therapy for years and the more the therapist started hitting closer to her personal issues (she often dominated the sessions and talked incessantly)and the more I started opening up (I'm reserved by nature) the angrier and more resentful with me she got.
In the months prior to her walking out, she started lashing out and finding fault with anything and everything I said (often accusing me of being manipulative, angry, and unstable). Still I kept to myself, kept going to individual and couples counseling, and kept working on improving myself. Eventually she lashed out at me so bad and so furiously one day I left and went to a friend's house in tears (I'm not ashamed to admit that I broke down and cried in front of a group of people). I kept it to a very small and close circle of friends, but they were shocked because they always saw me as a pillar of maturity and strength. They also thought we had the perfect relationship and admitted to being envious at times.
When she finally walked out, accusing me of abusing her and keeping her down, everyone was shocked. Things went from me sharing my inner feelings with no one, to literally having lines of family and friends jumping over themselves to offer me help and comfort.
Then the craziness started, the random see-saw/roller coaster of demands and contact, suspected spying on our home, the small acts of random vandalism around my house, as well as the ultimatums from her (agree to my terms or I will file for divorce).
Everyday I'm a little uneasy about checking my phone, email, etc. because I do not know what she will say, do, or demand. I have changed my locks because of uneasiness about my safety.
She use to hate it when I withdrew and "got quiet" during arguments. I did so out of worry about really hurting her feelings and saying something I would later regret. Now I'm doing so for my own sanity and safety.
