W was more distant again this week. I ended up taking the kids to the Halloween party by myself. Actually a 180 for me, going to a party where I literally knew one person. W did come over for trick or treating then left as soon as we were done. I'm keeping a "whatever" attitude, making sure not to pursue, but I'm faking it until I make it. Sometimes I feel like I have it, other times I don't.
W had a headlight out this week. I changed her bulbs but it is still out. I told her I'd look into it more when I had some light. The next day she called me because she had a blowout and didn't know what to do. I went and changed it for her. She kept apologizing. I just told her it wasn't her fault and that things like that happen and we can't control them. She was in a ppm mood, talking about how things like this always happen to her, her car being crappy (it's not, id love to have it back, it's getting a little older now but I always got compliments on it; she is running it into the ground though), and told me she got her apartment application rejected because of how she left to move back. I told her to be thankful her tire didn't blow on the interstate that it could've been worse, that her car was actually nice, and that I was sorry about her apartment (taking her side). She told me "thank you, you're a lifesaver." I just said no problem or something similar and left.
She keeps saying little things to me now like telling the kids she'll stop after work then say "if that's okay with you" or other similar things implying I don't want her around etc.
She's supposed to come over in the morning again. She wants to have the kids over with her the next few nights as her roommate/mlc friend will be gone. I reluctantly agreed. The kids miss her, it's sad. I took the kids to a bday party today and s told a bunch of kids he wished his mom could be there, I felt bad.
She asked if I would still look at her light. I told her I would but I wonder if I shouldn't have let her figure all this out for herself. Idk.
She told me this week her dad needed to have open heart surgery for something they saw during his chemo follow up. I wonder if this is part of her problem lately (she's just acting different than she was, more distant, barely seeing the kids). She mentioned it a couple weeks ago, before she knew he needed surgery, and said "her parents are being big babies, he's fine, it's just a side effect, etc." I told her her parents were scared and to keep me updated then it got dropped. I couldn't believe she was so insensitive. Maybe it was a defense mechanism for her. She acted similar before his cancer diagnosis.
She also keeps telling me how she can't sleep. I guess it's part of her depression. I was thinking about it and searched her medical condition and depression and they go hand in hand, it's a very serious part of it.
Not a lot new with me, trying to stay consistent and focus on the kids and myself. Hope everyone is having a good weekend.
Kyh, I'm sure that you and the kids had a great time at the Halloween party. You actually stepped outside of your comfort zone for the party.
I think you did the right thing by helping your w w/the car. After all, the safety of not only your w, but your children should come first when it involves a safe car to ride in.
I'm sorry to hear about your FIL and I hope everything goes well w/his surgery. I do want to point out that MLCers can't deal w/health issues of others or even death of others. It reminds them of mortality and they try not to be around when someone is ill or they try to convince themselves and others tha the health issue is nothing and it will go away. They just can't handle it. So, I do understand why your wife may be feeling a bit off.
Also, the Halloween has kicked off the holiday season. She may be feeling a bit guilty for not being there for those special holidays and they are reminders of happier times for her and right now, she can't deal w/the guilt of leaving her family. Some come closer during the holidays and others stay away and find excuses not to be around.
I'm not surprised she can't sleep. It's part of the depression, but it also the time when everything is quiet and her mind is working over time and she's thinking about everything she's doing and the guilt creeps in. There are no distractions at night, so her mind continues to run at full speed.
I think you are doing great. Keep up the good work!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I'm happy to read what job says about how MLCers can't deal with health issues and death.
I was shocked by my h's behavior when I lost my best friend from the primary school last December. H found me crying when he came home. Took me in his arms, said he was sorry but felt really uncomfortable. Before MLC he would cry with me... That day I went to bed earlier than him and when he came he saw me crying again and say "Bee, what is it? Is it because of that girl?". I will never forget that moment (and calling her "that girl"?!). I could not believe it was my husband next to me in that bed. And it wasn't really.
I will now try to look at that experience with different eyes. And you should try as well. Deep down she may expect from you to console her even if she plays it down.
Hi Kyh, I'm sorry if you've said this and I missed it, but is your wife hypothyroid? Is so, I recommend this blog: http://www.hypothyroidmom.com
I think you are doing the right thing re: car, as safety is the main thing for all concerned (just as Job said) ... I know this is hard, but I think you're doing a great job of staying neutral, validating and being a friend. All hallmarks of DB ... xoxoxo {{{{{hugs}}}}}
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Thank you Job, Bee, and Bttrfly. I really appreciate the words of encouragement tonight.
I asked W how her dad was doing and she just said okay. I asked about his surgery and she told me he didn't want it and wasn't going to do it. I hope he will be okay. I just told W I hoped he would be okay and to let me know if there was anything I could do for her.
Job, I can see what you say about them trying not to be around when someone is ill. She keeps going back and forth about whether or not she is going to go to her parents for Thanksgiving. She asked me (twice) if I thought it would be snowing over the mountains and said she is nervous about driving and might stay here with the kids for Thanksgiving. The year before last we drove through a bad snow storm and there were cars off the road everywhere and I almost couldn't get our car to go when traffic stopped. She thought it was last year and brought it up a couple times.
Bee, I'm sorry to read about your story. I've been trying to console my W the best I can without seeming to pursue. I will keep what you said in mind (I definitely don't want her going somewhere else for consolation). This is something I failed with my W in the past but I've learned I have an issue with dealing with death and have changed. It actually came up in one of my IC appointments and I have apologized to W about it.
Bttryfly, I'm so glad you posted that! Her issues are endometriosis and adenomyosis but I went to your link and have been researching hypothyroidism and they are related. She has a bunch of the symptoms and it makes sense. She also had to have a breast reduction a couple years before we met and had her gallbladder removed shortly before she got pregnant with our s. I bet it's all related. She didn't mention it when she was getting medical attention but they did want her to get hormone treatment and thought she needed a hysterectomy. It freaked her out and was a big part of her MLC, she has been completely against it and talking about getting old since then. At the time she told me she was scared.
Good news is last week she brought it up to me. She said she almost passed out in the shower because of her pain and she can't go on like this. She said she was thinking of having a surgery since our deductible is met for the year. She was arranging to have it done just before our friend's accident and her MLC going into full effect, then she was dead set against it. For the 2 years prior she spent a lot of time (almost every weekend) bedridden. She laid around with a heating pad and I would rub her which helped but she was in a lot of pain. She took a pain med once and had a bad reaction and won't take anything but a muscle relaxant which makes her in a bad mood.
I will try to slip this in when I ask her about the surgery. I have to be careful though. I was researching it before BD and she blew up on me, telling me it was her uterus and to mind my own business, etc. (to put it nicely). I'm going to do more reading up this week.
This week was alright but I've been worn out. The first night she had the kids s got sick again and I ended up going and getting him at 2am and he didn't go to sleep until 4:30. I ended up taking him to the dr. again the next day and he had laryngitis so he ended up going with me to my office for a couple days. S liked being with me though which is nice.
I fixed w's headlight (had to order a part which she keeps putting of paying me back for, I haven't/won't ask) this week and she was nice until Thursday night. She even sent me a text about how she really appreciated it. S's bday was Friday and we had a party for him after school. W hadn't been feeling good again and Thursday night she came over and saw a cake mix on the counter. I picked it up with d because she likes to bake with me and I thought we could make cupcakes for s's birthday. W got all po'd at me about it, it was ridiculous. She apologized the next day then said something about coming over too much and it wasn't her business what I did. Seems like she gets upset at me for almost anything she can lately but is also nice sometimes. It's hard telling who will show up.
S had a good bday and w was good to get along with but then seemed to distance more again. She went to her step s's baby shower out of town this weekend. Last night she texted she was out and wasn't going to call the kids. Weird but we were at a hockey game anyway. I sent a gift along with her and she did text today to step sil liked it and was glad to get something from me. Then tonight she texted she didn't have signal and wouldn't be calling the kids again tonight. IDK I guess I shouldn't think about it.
I found this a little weird but this week w asked me how my job search was going then asked if I could find a job in the city where we used to live when in grad school and said she might like to move back there some day. My job was one of her BD complaints.
Kids and I had a good week but I'm exhausted. My car needed a new engine which was ~10k so I ended up buying a used one and I've been partially rebuilding it after putting the kids to bed. I got a chance to get it in when w had them for a couple nights. I'm getting close to done and I can't wait to be done with that project.
overall Kyh you sound on an even keel. Not an easy accomplishment when you have as much contact with the MLCer as you have. Good job!
I'm sorry you're exhausted. Try to rest when you can. On the other hand, having a project and being tired do have the added bonus of keeping your mind off other things.
Glad s's bday went well. Hang in there my friend. Sending you good thoughts and prayers. xoxoxo
M 20+ T25+ S ~15.5 (BD) BD 4/6/15 D 12/23/16
"Someone I loved once gave me A box full of darkness. It took me years to understand, That this too, was a gift." ~ Mary Oliver
Hi Kyh, I'm still reading up on your sitch, it has many similarities to mine ("young" MLC, endometriosis, kids etc).
Can I ask do you and W live together?
Sending you good thoughts, you sound like you are coping well and have your priorities straight.
M 10, T 18 M: 36, W: 35, D: 8, S: 6 EA: Oct 12 ILYBINILWY: Jan 15 BD: Aug 15 Separated: Sep 15 Miss you: Jun 16 Aug 16: Dating (!) Oct 16: Selfishness returns... currently: disgusted
Thanks bttrfly and srt. I'm not always on keel but I feel like I'm slowly getting there.
I had to get up early to go out of town today. W talked about coming over last night so she didn't have to get up so early but texted me last night saying she would come over in the morning. She woke me up texting this morning that she was there. She came in all dressed and ready(didn't look right) and asked for a blanket to lay down. I grabbed my stuff and had made the bed so I told her she could lay down in my room which she hesitantly did. She was acting weird. I went to get my keys and there was a huge half-empty pop on the counter. I'm pretty sure she just got back into town when she came over. Step inlaws are 3-4 hours away and a couple hours from where om lives. This sent me spinning for a couple hours this morning. Did I just pay for and fix her car to do this? Idk, I could be crazy but I feel like a fool either way, if it did happen or for thinking it when it didn't. After a couple hours I was able to let it go. She's been acting weird for a couple weeks so who knows. I have noticed she will spend time/open up/etc then distance. Time yet again to dig for more patience and consistency.
Srt, I caught up on your situation tonight. Yes, there seem to be a lot of similarities. i will try to keep up with you. Keep your focus on yourself and kids.
We don't live together, w moved out in March when I was out of town for work. I found out via text/email, lol. Currently w comes over in the morning and takes the kids to school and usually comes over briefly in the evening after work.
Not too much new but I'm watching w spin. She can switch personalities in a second.
She's been talking a lot of getting her own place lately. "You know I'm 34 and I should have my own place." She tells me like I should be happy for her. I want to say yes with your family you abandoned but I just keep quiet. At first it was upsetting but she's not ready to come back home and her friend is a bad influence so I'm taking it as a positive thing. My worry is about the kids wherever she goes.
She is having some trouble though, since she moved out on her last lease. Last night she told me she found a place, she was going to sign a lease tomorrow, how great it was, etc, then told me where it was. I told her it concerned me with the location. She asked why and I asked if she checked the sex offender listings. Switch went off..J-C Kyh! You think I didn't look, blah blah. I looked but I will again for you! I calmly told her if she looked there was no need to JC me a simple yes was good. She was on her phone a few minutes, got mad at me and said "I can't live there, I just want the kids when it's my time"(funny how she interprets guardian attorney's letter as if she got 50/50, not what it reads and I won't let her take the kids somewhere unsafe). Then She left mad at me, lol. She also wanted me to feel bad for her, complaining about no furniture, etc. she must have left stuff at her old place or sold it. I kept quiet again I wanted to dart her with OM, cross country trips, concerts, "my" new dog, clothes, tattoos, and who knows what else but it wasn't the right time.
I've kept communication minimal and wasn't available yesterday when she wanted to call. She called again in the afternoon and we chatted for 10-15. It was nice and friendly, then someone else showed up last night. Kept it short his morning and to her texts today. She texted to tell me she has strep throat. I just told her sorry and to let me know if she needs something. Then she texted about apartments again to which I keep short. Hope it works, etc
