wife is going through withdrawal

[sandi2]

I sometimes feel like I'm doing the heavy lifting right now even though she was the one that had the affair. Is it normal for her to not want to even kiss or be affectionate during this period? It's so hard because I never know what to expect from her. One day she is hot and the next cold. Reading the Pursuit and Chaser thread has definitely helped

Her work may appear quite differently than yours, for a while. If she has really ended the A and has decided by her own free will that she is going to work to save her M.........then trust me, she is miserable and will be probably be agonizing before she gets through the withdrawals. Also, I want you to realize that she thought she was in love, apparently, and now she has lost OM and her feelings for you have NOT returned, yet. I don't understand why H's think their W should be able to fall out of love with him, fall into love with OM, then fall out of love with OM, and be instantly in love with him again. She ended her A, but her feelings have not adjusted........and won't until she gets OM completely out of her head. So, I suggest you settle down and get ready to apply patience you didn't know you had.

You are here, getting new information every day. You are learning how to deal with what has transpired, right? Well, where is she getting help.........or is she getting any at all? Does she know that A's are addictive and what she currently feels is withdrawals? Does she understand that transparency is to help her stay on the straight & narrow, as much as it helps assure you that she hasn't engaged in contacting OM? Does she realize the craving to contact OM may get stronger before she whips it? Does she know that not having "in love" feelings for you, now, does not mean they can't return. I think every WW fears being stuck in a MR without feeling love for her H. Btw, understand that agreeing to stay in the M, does not produce feelings of love. She has a lot to do before those feelings return.

I've often said that I was so downhearted that I had to get willing just to be willing to work on my M. The energy level, nor the feelings were there to help me. However, your W is much younger, so hopefully, it won't take as long for her.

If I had not had the information from the board, I shudder to think where I might be on this very night. I felt no hope for my MR, and had no positive feelings for my H. I only had information from complete strangers on a forum. That was all that kept me going. I can't help but wonder how many WW's would do more to save their M if they just had information about what to expect. I do encourage you to get professional counseling for couples who are healing after an A. That means, of course, finding a C who is pro M and who gives solutions to the couple.

I'm just now trying to figure out how to proceed with the recovery because I want to make sure that we truly recover from this and make our marriage stronger. We have talked about our shortcomings and where we failed in our marriage. I have started to work on those issues but sometimes I feel as though she is not putting a lot of effort into it. Maybe it's because she's still withdrawing from the A (A ended 2 weeks ago)?

Start by not expecting her to be in the same emotional place as you. At some point, you may experience some anger over her actions. That's normal, too. She will not be genuinely able to put the effort in the YOU currently want to see. She is not excited about the M, okay? Listen to me when I tell you that getting through the process that's required for her to get back to being. Loving W, is more EFFORT than you can imagine. Not to discourage you, but it took me MONTHS to get through withdrawals. Know why? B/c of I did not let go of the "what ifs" and "what may have been". In other words, I continued to fantasize about the OM, and that kept the A alive in my mind. As long as a woman keeps it alive in her thoughts, her true loving feelings for her H won't be felt. Basically, she can't desire two men at the same time.