Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Well its the morning now (730am), I managed to sleep through her coming home, which was my plan. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me lying awake waiting for her. Also I slept in the Home Theatre, so she didn't need to disturb me. Normally if she goes out (shes only been out 2-3 times so far), I sleep in MBR, then I know when she is back and safe etc. When I woke to go to toilet earlier, I did walk past MBR (have to on way to toilet), to see that she was home. The door was open, as the AC was on, which I set to go off at 4am, so she must have been back before 4am.

You took an opportunity to show your detaching and made it into a situation where you were smothering, badgering, and pressuring.

Yes, I guess I did. I had in my mind to wish her a good night, and I guess it came out not as genuine as I wanted it to be. The comment about clubbing wasn't a jibe at all, it was simply explaining to S12 why you dont go out to late.

Of course, when she wasn't happy about it, that's why I went to her later to try and smooth over it. I didn't want her to go out feeling angry with me.

But please see my comment again here :-

I am so confused about DR/DB, as it seems that you offer yourself as a doormat for your S, and you have to focus on being perfect, while they do whatever they want, with the vague hope that one day they might turn around and come back to you.

How is this sustainable? If you have been the weaker partner (NGS etc) how do you turn that around without you waiting for you S to decide your worth it? Do people understand the paradox I am trying to explain ?

So I haven't read all of DR yet, only upto Step 3. There was a good section about a guy called Rob (in Step 1) and how he felt when the wife went out with girls. This is me down to a tee, and from a DR perspective how I should be behaving.

But I would be lying if I don't feel some resentment, that I have to do all the work. As it has already been a year and a half, I don't know I can maintain this new lack of interest. I can't get over the fear that the more I detach and act disinterested the more she will be able to do what she wants. And eventually she will move to an EA and PA to get out of the marriage. I say this, as we aren't getting any closer after all this time. I feel she wants her life separate to experiment and maybe date other guys. She is incredibly hot, and I am not being biased, she always get guys hitting on her when we go out. So what if she decides to do something about that one day? Can't people see, that as a man, I would then deeply regret not ending the relationship before this happens ? Yes I don't know it will, but there are no good signs to say that she wants the work on the marriage.

Whereas, she is quite happy to talk to me about things that happen to her, like at the hairdressers, and treat me like a friend. She is 100% cake eating with me as someone who is always there for her, but provides nothing in return in terms commitment to the M.

I'm sorry to keep arguing this, I just feel that detaching in some way, and not being effected by what she is doing, is the same NGS that I have done for years. Shouldn't I have enough self respect to not wait, to ask for some commitment to our marriage. Yeah sure she is not ready to do that you will say, but what about my feelings, why is it that I have to wait for her to decide. I am feeling bleak about this (as you can see), and am so scared that I will wait and wait and wait, enabling her wonderful life, only for her to eventually say well I am now ready to D, thanks!

I have said this a few times in this thread, how is this sustainable as a R, surely she still sees me as someone that will just put up with everything, she is free to do what she wants until she decides.

Whereas, if I am to say "ok I am ready to separate!" its on my terms then, which has never been the case with previous relationships, I always hang on to the bitter end like a dog with a bone.