A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

Ok all, been away from here for the week. I find myself reinvigorated in my work and have been finally able to focus on things there more fully. I haven't lost sight of time with my D or working on myself, but am finding what I think is a healthier balance between work and my situation. Not a bad thing, but I've got to be sure that I don't swing back to where work consumes me like before all this was happening. As I look back on those days, I think I may have been using work as an escape from the issues w/ my W that led up to our S. On that note, some responses and then quick journaling. I really need to get caught back up w/ everyone and see where everyone is.

CT, you sir, along w/ many others here have my full respect and your virtual hugs mean a lot to me brother! Thank you as always, for your support and kind words!

FG, you hit the nail on the head in regards to my concerns for the immediate future. My W is inflexible in her custody views and inflexibility only lasts until something breaks. My L has been very helpful to frame things and I think she is positioning us correctly to address my Ws Ls. It is not a battle I am eager to fight, but it is one that is worth fighting as I believe it's detrimental to my Ds development as a woman to be full time w/ my W. I've dug deep to make sure I'm viewing that as unbiased as possible and I honestly believe that is true. I will continue to make the right decisions for the right reasons and follow through with them. Strength and honor as mules so aptly puts it.

With that said, having my L actively engaged relatively early in this process has been amazing in regards to giving me clarity and stability. You all were right that it was the correct decision. Knowing the facts about how this thing works, and not buying into Ws bullying and misconstruing of the process has helped a lot.

Mules, not beating myself up over stuff like I used to. I'm at a point now where I know I'm going to make mistakes and I'm ok w/ that. That said, I like the thought of working through potential scenarios and practicing a response. I took that advice and have been working on it throughout the week while commuting to and from work. I was doing this a little before, but am really trying to expand it now.

Unfortunately, I do think the D route is the final path for this. My W is too anxiety driven and is unwilling to address those issues. It's impossible for me to see a way for us to be together so long as that's the case. Not just bc she doesn't want it, but also bc I'm unwilling to tolerate the atmosphere and exchanges created bc of her anxiety and my responses to it. I deserve better than that and so does my D.

I'd love to be with my W again. I'd love for our family to be back together. I'd love to put every ounce of effort I have into saving our MR, like I feel I've done the past few months, but I think it all fails w/o addressing those anxiety issues. Don't get me wrong, I will not stop trying as hard as I can to be a better man and father. I just am realizing that my changes alone will not be enough to save my MR. My W also needs to do a lot of heavy lifting and unfortunately I don't know that she'll ever be eager to address that. [censored], but I'm coming to grips with that now.

I appreciate your thoughts around the welfare of my D. I fear for my Ds stability, the same as you did/do with your Ss. I see the anxiety in my D at times and it kills me. I'm working hard to make a less structured (sounds crazy to say) environment for my D and break down some of the rigidity my W has created. Effectively allow her to be looser and more free from concerns about doing things the "wrong" way. This is leading to more anxiety from my W, but again, I believe it's the right decision for the right reason. My D seems to be happier w/o fear of what my Ws response will be. My W and I have our co-parenting session next week and I'm going to work on getting her to agree to put our D with and IC during that.

I agree that I need to start making some changes. I feel like I'm at a point now that the situation no longer overwhelms me. I've come to terms with it and am ready to go wherever it takes me. On a scale of detachment I currently lean closer to detached than I have at any point in the past. I realize that will swing back and forth, but the swings are no longer nearly as violent as they used to be. As for changes, I'm open to suggestions you all may see, but I'm focused on continuing to build my R w/ my D, re-focusing on my career after the past few months, continuing my grind at the gym, and building my skills at GAL and meeting new people. That last one is where I've been slacking recently, but I've got some things going on that will help there.

I just finished running a charity drive for the past 1.5 months for our team of about 100 folks at work. The third year I've done it and it was fairly successful in raising a large sum of money for a good cause. Everyone also had a great time doing it and on a selfish note it helped take my mind off things and helped make me feel like I was doing something good. Now we're kickstarting another one and I'm leading 35 guys at work in a Movember (no shave November) team for this month. Already starting to see the beard kick in and we'll have a multitude of happy hours and other random guy events throughout the month. a couple months ago I told myself I wasn't going to do the movember thing again this year. Thought about it a lot and realized it was bc I was worried what my W would think (she doesn't like it when I have facial hair). I also realized that I enjoyed it last year and I wouldn't let concern over my Ws feelings keep me from doing something I enjoyed. So bearded LT it is for the month of November and maybe December! It's amazing how much such small things can lift your spirits and push you forward!

CT, great advice and I'm starting to peel through situations in my brain to anticipate and practice. So many iterations, but I agree that it puts you in a better spot to respond, as opposed to flying by the seat of your pants. No different than other things in life. There is no substitute for practice in regards to being prepared.

Some quick journaling for an update:

A lot of fun with my D this week. Halloween was a blast, though my W took D out for 1.5hrs trick or treating w/ 2 other moms and 6 other girls. It's ok though, bc I got home early enough to see D in her costume and spend some time with her before they went out. I also got to spend a bunch of time with her after trick or treating before bed. A bit disappointed in W bc D and I usually would do at least double the time W did w/ her on Halloween. D and I always do costumes that complement each other. This year D was a ghostbuster so I dressed up like slimer from the movies. Last year she was indominus rex and I was the guy that got chased the whole movie. the year before that she was jaws and I was captain quint. It's a fun little tradition we have and I look forward to what she wants to do next year!

W sent me some texts this week about Christmas presents for D and we went back and forth planning that. Felt good to work on something w/ her again, but it didn't translate to how she acted at home. no surprise there.

D was home sick for tues/wed/thurs so I spent some time chatting w/ her via text during the day. she sent me some pictures she drew on her ipad which were awesome and I caught some pokemon as they showed up around the office and kept her in the loop. It was fun getting to talk to her during the day since that usually doesn't happen.

on the L front, I got an email from my Ls today w/ the final, barring a few tweaks, S agreement we put together. They also attached the S agreement my Ws Ls just sent over to them, but my W has not mentioned to me.

The gist of my Ws agreement is that I see my D every other weekend and that's it. We both have joint legal custody, but W has primary physical custody. I pay spousal support into perpetuity. W gets a slug of the existing assets. Ask for the world I guess. Anyways, it's been delivered to my Ls by her and I guess opens up negotiations. We have our own in pocket so I'm waiting to discuss w/ my Ls how to proceed now.

It was surreal reading through it. Almost like all my work to provide stability for my family was being unraveled in one simple document. A decent amount of typos, misspellings, and bad word choices too. Almost added insult to injury.

That said, it didn't weigh on me emotionally. I'm not sure how to describe the feeling. I feel prepared to address it though and I think that's giving me some comfort. I'll be curious to see if my W brings it up to me this weekend. who knows.

D and I go out tomorrow to a museum complex near here for some fun and pokemon hunting. That's after I do my run in the morning, which I haven't done since Monday bc of work. I'm really looking forward to both of those as I need them right now to loosen up and relax.

Will catch up with everyone else and get back to being active around here. I feel horrible for not having been here for ya'll this week, I just needed a bit of time away. I do appreciate everything from everybody on here!