Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

I started in my current work role about two years ago. I drive a lot for work so I get a mileage reimbursement. It varies depending on my drive time, but it's usually between $350-500/month.

Well, I never really figured out how I was getting paid on it. I didn't see it show up on my base pay, nor was it itemized on my bonus check. My bonuses fluctuate and get taxed a lot, so I just shrugged and assumed it was included in there somewhere. I figured they have to pay me.

Lately my bonuses have been smaller and there is less doubt- it's not there. I asked one of my peers, and they told me that the reimbursements should show up as a separate deposit on my checking account with a memo like "WF Bank P card expense reimbursement". I'd sure never seen that, so I got the number for our accounting department and talked to someone that could help. I was thinking "cool, they must have a bunch of money waiting for me in limbo somewhere!".

Turns out that the money has been going to my ex's account. It didn't ever occur to me that this would be possible, but apparently back in 2010 I had to provide an account number to deposit funds into for a one time reimbursement and I gave them this account as we were married at the time.

So essentially I have had a net amount of just over $10,000 deposited into the account that has been exclusively my ex's. And she never said a word. Just spent every penny and looked the other way.

I reached out to my lawyer. I'm skeptical there will be any recourse for a number of reasons. One is that the account is still joint and has my name on it. I don't use it, I just deposit money in it monthly. But it gets more convuluted because she uses her debit card so there are a lot of miscellaneous expenses coming out, and it might be murky to try to demonstrate that I'm not spending money out of that account.

And finally, even if there is a way that I could demonstrate this was my money (this account was listed as her asset and her account in all of our court paperwork going back a year and a half), there is the question of whether I'd even pursue it. After all, she doesn't have the money, she spent it. She is broke. And she is the mother of my children. Legal or not I couldn't do anything that hurt my children and I doubt the courts would allow that either. I wouldn't mind a lien on the property that I'm paying off in her name, but my gut tells me this is gone.

I'm trying to look at the bright sides. 1) This will be $400/month more that I will be getting going forward, 2) It's already money lost, 3) Some part of this money may have in some way trickled into the lives of my children.

But I find it very, very gross. She has spewed venom at me since BD. She fought and continues to fight to have the children live with I see as her threatening the relationship I have with my kids. She has been deceptive with finances in the past and literally tried to trick me into paying bills that weren't mine. She has certainly taken advantage of my spirit of goodwill and generosity and felt entitled to every penny she could twist out of me because she is the victim and I am the villain. But to literally spend money that I needed to support myself and the children for two years without telling me? This is a new low.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know that I feel violated. I don't feel angry. It is just so, so gross.

I can understand criminals. People that break into a house and steal a computer or something. Great, they're either addicts, sociopaths, going through horribly hard times and are starving, or whatever combination. But it does irk me that people that pass themselves off as 'good people' would do this. People that bake cookies for their family on the holidays, and post cute videos of the kids, and do embroidery with inspiring quotes...and they can literally steal from me and my family.

I'll go with disgusted. I'm just disgusted. It's not as gross to me as leaving a marriage, as cheating, or as trying to remove the children from their father's life, so it's not like I can't handle it. But at least those first three things can be rationalized; everyone gets divorced these days, she needed those 5-10 guys for emotional support, it's only pot/alcohol and everyone does it, and hey, it would be better for the kids to live with her because I'm not a real parent. When it comes to spending money that's not yours though, there's a very, very clear line. Well, to me the other lines are pretty clear too, but this is just ridiculous.

I'll be ok. I am reaching out to my lawyer, I have some pretty good documentation and I'll see what she thinks I should do, or if there is any reasonable option. I doubt it, and I'll be ok no matter what. I am just so sick of this crap. I went through some crazy stuff with my x-gf when I met XW (she tried to sabotage our new marriage and at one point I had to show pictures of my kids to their bus drivers and teachers to warn them about her because she was a true threat to the family). I thought she was just a bad apple. More and more I am just thinking most people turn into real bad people when they get divorced.

But I know it's not everyone. I know Sunny. I know. After all, I haven't done anything like this. I've challenged myself hard, worked with a team of professionals to make sure I was being fair, and have turned the other cheek so many times I am dizzy. So this isn't just my personal narrative, I've been applauded by everyone from my counselors to my darn mediator for crying out loud. But to me you just don't behave this way. You show some grace, some humanity, and you put more care that you don't cause pain to someone else than you worry about whether they hurt you, and you darn sure don't try to hurt them to get what you want along with payback for some perceived slight.

I think this will play out where there is no recourse, and I think my best bet is to just never mention it to her. I've switched accounts now, so the deposits will just stop. I don't see why I'd ever say anything. If she could take the money and spend it it's not like she's going to feel apologetic. I'll just start walking forward and let this go like everything else. I'll be ok, just had to purge that out of my system.