To confront or not confront cheating W?

[sandi2]

You seem to have confrontation on your brain. As I've said previously, just confronting her will not change anything. You have to have something along with the confrontation. Same thing about boundaries. You are wanting to control her on everything from how she doesn't talk to you in a group, to how she deals with the kids.

The second I engage in the conversation she turns off and walks away or disengages with the convo. It's super disrespectful but not sure how to create boundaries with something like that without whining That I demand respect. Just 1 example but most of the issues I have are more from a dismissive perspective than with confrontations.

If you start crowing like a rooster about demanding respect, she's going to hit you with more than you know how to handle, b/c you don't even know how to deal with these things.

We usually split the kids up on weekend to run errands etc. so looking back, SHE has been GAL before me and doing what she can on weekends to avoid me and my son. Therefore, I feel like unless I confront her about taking the two kids while I "do what I want" it's biz as usual. Obviously I'm going to start filling my days with things I want to do and keep me busy vs running her errands but she is inflicting her Will on me through the kids. My son is hard to take out and do things with because he has special needs. It's a lot of work! And she has pawned that responsibility on me. Making her life easier on the weekends by doing what she wants with our daughter.

Just like confrontations, demanding respect,....or.telling her you won't tolerate something she's doing is a JOKE if you don't have something to reinforce your words. If I were your WW and the first time you told me you demanded something or wasn't going to tolerate my behavior..........I would probably laugh in your face, and then I'd get very angry.......and I know you don't really want your W to be mad at you. So, THEN what would your next step be?

I'm not trying to be difficult. I'm trying to get you to see that your confrontations, demands, boundaries, etc. have no power if all you can do is speak and hope for the best. A WW is going to test your boundaries, so what would be a consequence to her walking away from a group when you start talking? Actually, I think there are other more important issues, but if you feel disrespected, how would you address this as a boundary, and what are you prepared to do if she chooses to not honor it?

First of all, have you clearly told her how it makes you feel? B/c if you have never brought up the issue, then she doesn't know. The first step is to make sure she knows you want it to stop.

I agree with Bond, it seems a bit petty. And the situation with her wanting to separate the kids.........well, that could be seen as petty, too.........except if she really isn't spending time with her son, then there could be a deeper problem. However, I don't see how you can put it in the category of boundary setting. It sounds too much like controlling, to me. How much has this topic ever been discussed?

I hope you won't think I am picking at you. It takes time to get some of these things down right. If you have never stood up to her about things you didn't appreciate and/or tell her she is wrong..........then you have to be realistic and not expect her to take kindly to it. This is what happens when a H is too afraid to open his mouth, and then he thinks he can start crowing about his boundaries and everything will just fall into place. You can and should have boundaries, don't get me wrong. Eventually, she may respect you for standing up like a man. Considering she is having an affair, I think that's where you need to start.

For the record, are you willing to live in an open M? If not, what would the consequences be if that boundary was not honored? Just think about. Don't do something stupid before testing it out with the board first.