Hi Everyone. I can't say that I'm happy to be here, but it's great to have found an outlet for support.
So, as much as I'd rather not live through this again, here's my story...
My wife and I have been together for 12 years and married for 9 years. She is 45, I am 43. We have 2 children: an 8 year old son and a 5 year old daughter. We have a beautiful home, great careers and a supportive family.
Our relationship has always been on an even keel. We're good friends, we're sexually compatible, we enjoy some of the same interests, we share the same values for life, family and raising children and we have fun.
I believe the trouble began a few years ago when my wife's mother died from cancer. During her grieving process, she started to detach from our relationship.
I did not help matters. I was reluctant to treat her like a partner in our relationship. I had made the false assumption that because I worked full time and she worked part time that she would take care of the house and our family. Now this is not to say that I didn't help out when she asked me to. I'm very involved with our children and I don't come home from work and just lay on the couch expecting to be served. However, I always leaned on her to make the "executive" decisions for our family.
In short, I was self-centered. I took advantage of our relationship and didn't help to nurture it. Something it desperately needed during this time.
In January of this year she must have reached her tipping point. She began having an emotional affair with an ex-boyfriend. The emotional affair eventually led to a physical one as well.
By May we had been having some serious talks about the relationship and what she needed from me to make things better. I listened, I accepted responsibility, I bought some books and I started individual therapy. All the while I had not suspected anything related to the affair.
On May 27th, while at work and innocently checking our wireless data plan I noticed a phone number that appeared very often on her call list. She has several girlfriends so I attributed the calls to one of them. However, something just didn't seem right. Once I looked up the number and realized who it was, I immediately called her and confronted her about the affair.
That evening she came clean with all the information. She told me that the affair was over and that she had decided to end it in order to try to fix our marriage. She had made an appointment with a relationship therapist to get help and was going to seek advice about whether or not to tell me about the affair.
For me, this was the beginning of the crisis, but obviously she had been living with it for a much longer time and (she admits) kept it to herself.
She started weekly counseling. Things began to take an upturn. We went on a few dates and started having sex at regular intervals again (2/3 times/week). This upturn peaked at the end of August when we spent a week at the beach with our kids. We all had an incredible time. It felt like things were on the mend.
After returning from the vacation and getting back into the routine of a new school season, things got worse. She started pulling away. She showed a lack of intimacy towards me (not just sex, but any kind of closeness). We talked about it several times. On some occasions the talks seemed to help us make some progress in understanding each other. Other times they didn't.
At this point she admitted to me that she had lost her attraction to me and that she was no longer interested in sex.
Things continued to decline over the next 6 weeks. Eventually I decided that it was important for us to seek a couple's therapist. She agreed and we have an appointment for an initial consultation on Monday.
But the bottom really fell out of my world when she told me a few nights ago that she's considering separation. Up until that moment we had been in agreement that we both wanted to work on the marriage. Now she's not so sure. I don't believe that she's ready for a separation, but she's thinking about it. She has told me that she needs space and that spending time alone with me makes her anxious.
After this latest revelation I started reading Divorce Busters as well as the advice on these forums. I realize now that I did all the wrong things after she revealed her affair. I chased her too much. I constantly asked her how she was feeling or how her therapy was going. I sulked and acted passive aggressive in order to get her attention. I lost my backbone and my confidence. I presented myself as the insecure child that she needed to take care of. At the time I didn't realize that these things were going to make things worse. After all, she's my best friend and I'm hurting. How could I not turn to her to make me feel better?
So after some soul searching and reflection I decided to try a new approach. I believe it's a combination of the LRT and the 180 technique. I've committed myself to be 100% positive and confident in her presence. To not bring up anything about the relationship. To not appear moody or hurt or sad. To find things to do on my own and give her the space that she needs. To focus on my kids, my health, my job, my friends, and my hobbies.
We are still living under the same roof and sleeping in the same bed. We are still very cordial to each other (when we're not talking about our relationship) and we do things together as a family. We still kiss good morning, goodbye, hello, and goodnight. We still hug usually once/day.
(Wow this post is long, and I've only revealed about 10% of the details.)
So I don't really have any specific questions for this board. I think I'm on the right track. What I really need is some support and (frankly) a bit of hand holding. This is the toughest thing I've ever had to endure but I am 100% committed to trying to save my marriage. I know there are no guarantees, but I won't be able to live with myself if I can't honestly say that I've done everything in my power to avoid a divorce.
If you made it down this far, thanks for reading. Comments, criticisms, and advice are all very much welcome.
