Hard to believe I'm on Thread 6. Nothing much to report in terms of improved R. W seems to have her mind made up and is taking slow, steady steps to decouple. She moved out of MBR about 2 months ago. We've been to MC twice, and it seemed to go well (she was engaged, participating, etc.) but has since told me she's only there so we can learn to communicate better with an eye toward minimizing conflict, not making things bad for the kids, etc. That wasn't why I had wanted to go to MC for so long, needless to say.
So I've pretty much gotten to the point where there isn't a whole lot more that I can do. I've been at this for 19 months now, I think. As I told my IC, there aren't any arrows left in my quiver. I'm going to keep doing what I've been doing, but with the knowledge that it's just for me and the children. If she moves back toward me, great, but I'm in no way expecting that. And, if I'm honest, I'm not sure anymore that I even want it.
With that realization (and it's really only been since this most recent weekend), I finally feel something that feels like it might be real detachment starting to take hold. It was critically important for me to be able to say honestly to myself and my children that I did everything I could to keep this from happening. And I think I can do that now, which has given me peace of mind (I'm finally sleeping better -- yes!), but you really can't detach when you're in active, full-on "Can I salvage this situation?" mode. Being in that mode is all about hope no matter what anyone says, and if you're hoping, you're not detaching (or at least aren't fully detached).
Gump -- you asked at the end of my last thread where things are in terms of my W's original "1-2 year" plan to end things to minimize the impact on the kids, get my youngest out of the school zone he needs this year and next, etc. The answer is I don't know. If we have any more R talks outside of MC, I think she'll want to get an apartment before then that we'd in her mind split weeks in alone, with the kids and one parent always in our home. If I really were to detach and not be overtly sad around her or do anything that makes her have to confront the human toll of her actions and decisions, then I imagine we could last that entire time. Who knows. That said, I am thinking more and more that I want to really make an effort to cut her out of my thought process. I want it to be about what's best for the kids and, if not in tension with that, what's best for me.
So likely no D busted for me, but I sure have learned a lot here, and I'll forever be grateful for the support I've been given. I'm a better person for it.
Me: 46 W: 44 Married: 17 Together 21 D13; S10 BD: 03.03.15 (Not attracted to you) Almost 2 years trying, alone, to save marriage Status now: Divorced (effective 06.13.17)
