Doesn't matter. It's always best to act as if until it's true. And maybe you really are ok!
11/4/15 W revealed EA/2 months later became PA with co-worker Reconciling since late April 2016 Don't give up until it's time, then move on Be patient, strong and kind but never a doormat
Cheesyt, from my experience there seems to be a correlation bt me distancing myself from her and her levels of anger. It also seems to make her mad when she sees me being consistent in making changes, especially with regards to my R with my D. Unsure what's driving this, but if you are making the right decisions/changes fir the right reasons, best to just ignore her.
Stay true to yourself and what happens happens. She may be upset that you are not the "evil" cheesyt she thought you were, but who knows.
Keep being strong and keep making yourself happy. You're an amazing person and you deserve it!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
well heck. Went to pick up the rest of my stuff from the house. What a surprise from W...W was home alone. I walked in and W offered coffee..W wanted to talk. Asked what I wanted from divorce. I said I didn't want D and I wasn't going to talk about it. W asked why I haven't filed. I simply said I don't wish to talk about it because It's not something I want. W asked why If I didn't want a divorce I was separating bills and accounts...I told that That's what happens when you separate and W wanted a D. W asked if I wanted to hear what she has to say. I blurted No...and she got soooo mad. started throwing my stuff into a box. then...I noticed W had started crying. I told her I wanted to listen and I apologized. W started yelling about how I'm such a jerk and I'm rude over text. W said "I text you and you're so mean then you apologize it's like always" well she's right. Except I used to defend and make excuses for my behavior. W wouldn't stop crying. My W NEVER cries...like...EVER. so her crying and showing emotion is huge. W kept yelling about how horrible I was asking why I waited so long to be the type of parent D needs. How all my changes are great but that it's too late. Somewhere in there she said We were soulmates and meant to be and that she loves me. I was in awe. W seemed so angry....W did mention she was angry with me. And that she's so confused. finally she calmed down and I hugged her. I told her I'd like to listen to her. We sat across from each other she began to talk. Telling me how I waited too long. How she lost her best friend. Telling me all her hardships and saying she had no one. I validated some in there. W mentioned D talks about me all the time but it's all negative. W said she asked D if D thinks she made the right decision leaving me, W said D said yes. I told W of course D says what W wants to hear. W also said D never has anything good to say about me so if D wasn't around, If W didn't have D that W and I would be perfect for each other. W told me D said I choked her once. I told her that's a lie. W told me she knew, that D admitted to lying but couldn't give her a reason why. W soften up, was no longer all emotionally charged. I told W I had been working on me and that I was pretty happy. W asked why I was incapable of changing my parenting style before. I told her I had no real reason but that I can't change the past. I told W I was doing well, I told her about school, running. she asked about work, and about my Sister. I told W my sister and I were talking (had a rough patch but we're good) and W said "that's why she stopped talking to me then". I told W I had nothing to do with her decision to quit talking to her. W asked where I was going because she saw I bought I plane ticket...she admitted she checks my credit card, my bank account and my facebook. W told me it was good I changed all the passwords because It's driving her nuts to wonder what I'm up to. W questioned why I never wanted to eat pizza, (W's favorite food) when I frequent some pizza place that she saw on my cc statement(I got for the beer and have never tried the pizza there). I did ask W why we aren't working on us after all she said. W said It's just too late. W asked If i was seeing someone. I told her no, but that it didn't matter if I was because she is seeing someone. W told me she didn't believe me. I told her that's her choice. I reiterated that I'm working on me.
W laughed some. Hugged some more. Finished packing my car. (I caught my W checking my phone while I was inside) W offered to drive to my town (30 min away) if all my stuff didn't fit. We hugged before I left...she started crying again and shaking in my arms. I felt bad obviously. I wanted nothing more than for W to say ok lets figure this out..I wouldn't consider moving back just yet either.
W later texted "Cheesyt, our conversation doesn't change where I'm at right now. I just want to make sure you know and understand that. Me- I understand. W - Ok thanks.
The last text that she sent later was to be expected. I am sure she felt that maybe she let out too much emotion and let her guard down. She needed to put that wall back up for now.
The rest of your conversation sounds FANTASTIC! That is a major step in my opinion. It is best to hold back like you did and not lunge at her and move too fast.
I would give a anything to have a conversation like that with my W. Congrats for now, but take it slow.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
hey cheesy, reading your conversation above made me feel like I was reliving some of mine. As you know from my situation, I also had to deal w/ the "your D doesn't want you around" and "your D would be happier if we divorced" reasoning from my W. Here's what I learned...
It's nonsense! My W also told me at one point that were my D not in the picture we'd still be together. Also nonsense. I'd be very hesitant to believe what your W is telling you your D is saying about you and your MR.
My W also never cries, so I've been caught off guard when she does as well. Tough to tell if they are really hurt, or are using the tears to manipulate our behavior. Best guess is that it's some combination of both.
Additionally, my W has expressed that she's seen my changes for the better. She's also told me that they make her even more angry, as she now realizes I could have changed all this time. I've also gotten the "it's too little too late" part from my W as well. My response to my W has consistently been "the BD was a wakeup call for me. while I am now aware of my issues from the past, I'm hard at work making changes so they are not issues in the future". Best not to get into deep conversation about things that you cannot change. Only seems to bolster their resolve that we're "bad" people.
From an outside observers viewpoint, the above seems like serious temp checking from your W. It seems like what you've been doing up until this conversation has gotten your Ws attention. She's obviously very uneasy and uncomfortable about being in the dark on what's going on in cheesyt's life.
It's possible that providing her w/ answers to all her questions has set you back a little though. Some of the vets would have better thoughts around this I'd think. I'm guilty of this as well as I tend to get trapped into long conversations w/ my W at times too.
Best thing you can do is keep up what you are presently doing. It's been a roller coaster, but you have to know that you've become stronger because of it. Just keep being strong and keep GAL and you may see your W continue to question her decision making.
Hang in there Cheesyt! We know you rock. You know you rock. Your W is in la-la land if she doesn't know it!
Sending some positive vibes your way Cheesy! Glad to see you back here posting. Please keep us in the loop. Here to support you!!!!
Me39 M11 : T13 D9 BD 5/31/16 In House S until 6/21/17 Divorced 10/5/18
Cheesyt....we have missed you! Very interesting updates from your sitch...I agree with Lt on all the nonsense she is saying to you right now. Seems like a big temp check...sounds like you are doing the right things by staying dim...she is wondering what you are up 2!!!
Keep it up and keep posting!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
MrBam, I would agree, the text was her putting her wall back up.
Lt I guess I'm just so lost. You're right about the D thing. I don't understand why our W's use our D's against us or as an excuse to justify their actions. Honestly, and perhaps I'm being a fool and seeing what I want to see, I saw so much pain and hurt in my wife yesterday. I could see it in her eyes.
Hawker - the temp check thing slightly crossed my mind. I guess what made me think it was how she kept asking if I was seeing someone or was moved on. I think It's interesting how I said no, but W still didn't believe me.
How is this possible? How if it's true what my W said, why aren't we working toward something, anything?! If it's all lies why would she say them? Why not just take the "dim" and "dark" as ok cheesyt finally out of my life, lets move on. I was not expecting this...I was under the impression W was completely happy. All those times I came over for her to say "we are so much better without you" all that came crashing down yesterday. W is not ok but won't let me in. Not that I can fix all her problems, only W can do that when she's ready to face her life. W mentioned how she's so alone. I realize I thought she couldn't feel alone because of OW...Funny how that works. I actually feel so good and I'm physically alone. In a state without my family. It's just me. A 27 year old trying to navigate through life. I must keep reminding myself W is still a WW. W has so many issues to work through. And I know for a fact those aren't going to get worked through while she's half assing it because W is seeing someone.
This is what I truly believe in my heart, W wants me and our family. However, W is not ready for that. W mentioned how things are so unstable, D is having her own issues. W is broke (W felt inferior because I was making the money for 2 years while she was in school) Therefore, in the new year when W can get a job, and D is more stable and in counseling, perhaps around D's birthday day (april / one year of separation) we can and might work something out. Perhaps this is all wishful thinking, but again, once W has a stable job and W and D have stable lives is when W and I can have an actual chance. The real question, will CheesyT be willing? And will this actually happen? I can't speak for my future feelings but as of right this second, I'd be willing to do something. Work on something.
Now that W has zero access to my accounts, the one not question but maybe concern, will she eventually stop wondering what I'm up to since she cant make up stories in her head? or will not knowing be even worse? I kind of like that she kept tabs on me. It was quite a surprise.
Alright, This is my plan going forward, continue to be Dim / dark. I must and will continue to work on CheesyT. My gal, my running, my school, my work, the new relationships I have been making as well as the relationships I'd like to keep strong.
Hey Cheesy, I was shocked by that conversation and how your W has used D against you. Hang in there Cheesy it does sound like you are shaking things up a bit. Yes she wants to be your friend and can't believe her master plan isn't working!
(((Cheesy)))
Me - 47 H - 45 D-16 M - 6 years Separated - May 16
Don't leave me behind can't you see me I'm shining... (Years & Years - 'Shine')
I just had a temp check. and I didn't even know it.
w- not sure if you’re busy, but I’m in town…if you have a few, maybe we could meet for coffee around 945? W-it’s fine if not, just thought I’d check Me- it’s to early to leave for “lunch” the earliest I can meet is 11am W- oh ok, no worries. Maybe next time. Me-ok.
Well shoot. I will need to re read divorce busting. My friend told me I basically said “ok I’ll be waiting until next time you ask” wth! I don’t want her to think that. W comes to my little town around 3 times a week. I’m sure I’ll have more of these. But I have to be careful not to let her suck me into a “friendship” because that’s not what I want or need. Going forward, I will not be the last to respond. I shouldn’t have said Ok. And If there is a next time I will say I already have plans for my “lunch” hour. W doesn’t need to know those plans are to go for a run.
I feel because W thinks I’m moving on she will start to temp check more, try to make us “friends” and basically keep me around until she’s “ready”. must not let this happen.
CheesyT will continue to move forward. Without My W and D.
Hey Cheesy...interesting...I agree with your friend about not being ready whenever she asks....but you know that now..haha..yes, I am in the same "friendship" boat...I will not be her friend...don't let it happen if you don't want it...keep on keeping on!!
W:42 M:48 T:9 yrs M:1yr BD: Feb 2016 EA Confirmed: Feb 2016/PA July 2016 D: Feb 2017
