Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

I want to address your comments darknes because they are so insightful and useful to me. I do thank you for your time in reviewing my ramblings.

Im pretty sure the rest of this post shows a complete lack of detachment...What do you think shows your detachment?

Yes this last post was the meltdown, where I lost all sense of detachment and essentially freaked out! You know I actually went and red Sandhis rules for 10 minutes before going back to the MBR to talk to her. Even after reading the rule about if they go out, dont ask where they have been etc. Its amazing the human mind and habits/rituals you form over the years.

I was talking more about my detachment of not trying to engage with her through the week. It was a start.

First, why did you ask her? Better would be to say OK. And then propose a different day or days that YOU want to go out and do something.

Thank you. Yes I should have done that, but panic got the better of me and wanted to know.

You mention a bunch of time how this is such short notice. What difference does it make? Its still a day ahead of time. Sometimes, they wont tell you until they are walking out the door.

Yes I agree with you here, only that this short notice is new behaviour to me and I a labelling it as a further deterioration in our R. Rightly or Wrongly, but thats why I panicked.

Again. Why? What were you hoping to gain? How did going to talk about it get you closer to your goals?{/quote]

Well I don't really have any defined goals in my sitch at the moment. I only got DR book today, so I am yet to try an understand goal setting in the context of my R. But in my current mindset I was hoping to understand what her planned night was, if it is an innocent girls night out, then I feel much better and less threatened.

[quote=darknes]What are you expecting. You think if she were going out with a guy or were going to meet a guy she would just TELL you? If you know the answer is a lie or you know you arent going to believe the answer, then asking the question is a complete waste of time and effort. All you do is appear paranoid and weak.

I love this comment, its so spot on for me. Asking the question is totally illogical, it does just show weakness and fear, "ooo!! what is she going to do outside without me!".

So what part of any of this shows detachment? Shows your strength?

Yep none of it...totally agree

Sigh. NO R TALKS!! Not a single word of this is a good look for you.

Yep... totally failed in no R talks.

Granted, why are you asking her to cuddle with you and you arent even sleeping in the same room? You just come off as desperate for her affection.

I know. But over the last year, we have had a pattern of watching TV and she will come over to lie with me. Or she will wake up in the morning and move across. That has stopped, although I am less in the room as well.

Why do you think SHE is going to alleviate your anxiety?

Because she will tell me the details of the night out and I will then be ok about it. Although as you have said, I have no guarantee of whether she is telling the truth or not.

Lets play this out:

- She told the 100% truth. Shes going out for a girls night with Sophie.
- She told half truth. Shes going out with Sophie but the intention is to meet guys.
- She lied and is doing something else.

What is different for you in these scenarios?

This is actually easy to answer. 1st one is what I want to hear, I am happy for her to go out on her own to enjoy herself, assuming it is innocent. Before the BD etc, she did go out once in a while and I had no problem with it.

Oh! I get your point, I have no way of knowing whether its option 1, 2, or 3...

1) What exactly do you want to know?
2) What is your alternative to the "DR process"?

1) I want to know where we are going with our R. I want to know whether I should keep trying to save it or make plans to seperate. I get it that she doesn't know the answer, but am I wasting all my energy trying to save something that is eventually going to end anyway.
2) Given its been a year and a half plus at least, I dont have an alternative to the DR process, other than being the one to start the seperation. I know I need to follow through on DR, but this post shows that I am going to backtrack alot as I keep trying to work on it. I feel in some way that once I succeed in detachment etc, then I won't want to be in the marriage anymore anyway, as there will be nothing to be in it for.