Im pretty sure the rest of this post shows a complete lack of detachment...What do you think shows your detachment?
OK. Im just going to add comments in blue interspersed instead of quoting tons of stuff:
Originally Posted By: Oluwa
When we got home, had dinner and W came out to talk to S12. Half way through the conversation she said "I'm going out tommorow night?". I said "oh where ?", First, why did you ask her? Better would be to say OK. And then propose a different day or days that YOU want to go out and do something. she said "Clubbing?". I started to panic, as this was very short notice and the way she said it while we were at dinner with S12 seemed strange. You mention a bunch of time how this is such short notice. What difference does it make? Its still a day ahead of time. Sometimes, they wont tell you until they are walking out the door.
After a while after she had gone in her room, I mulle it all over and succumbed to going to talk about it with her. Again. Why? What were you hoping to gain? How did going to talk about it get you closer to your goals? I know I should have just left it. I initially talked about D14 and then said, oh so what is happening tommorrow, are you going straight out after doing your hair. She said that she would be back before going.
I said do you mind if I ask who you are going with. She said "Im going out with a friend". I said 'Oh what friend is that ?". She said "Why?", I said "Well its short notice and I just wondering who you are going with ?". She said, "Shes called Sophie?". I said, "Oh whos that, i've not heard of her before?". She said "No you don't know her?". I said "Is she from work? Is she single ?". She said "Why all the interrogation ?", I said "well if I just announced out of the blue that I am going out clubbing, wouldn't you ask who I was going with ? Especially as it was such short notice ?". She said, "oh I didn't know until she messaged me today". So I left it and left the room for a while. What are you expecting. You think if she were going out with a guy or were going to meet a guy she would just TELL you? If you know the answer is a lie or you know you arent going to believe the answer, then asking the question is a complete waste of time and effort. All you do is appear paranoid and weak.
Later on I came back in to talk about something else and then after we watched TV for a bit (yes I was back in the MBR sitting next to her), I said "Can I ask you more about tommorow night ?". She said "What do you want to know ?". I said "Well I don't know sophie? It seems strange such short notice and you are only going out with one person ?". I said "Do you mind asking about it ?'. She said "just leave me alone for Christ Sake". I left it again for a while but stayed in the room quietly stewing. So what part of any of this shows detachment? Shows your strength?
Eventually, when she was ready to sleep. I said "It seems you are moving further away from me?" Sigh. NO R TALKS!! Not a single word of this is a good look for you.. She said "Why do you say that, because i'm going out for the evening ?". I said "No! I am happy for you to go out, honestly I am, if that is what you want to do. Its was just a shock on short notice and how you told me. Normally you would let me know, or check what we were doing before you arranged ot go out". "But if you want to go out, then have a good time". I said, "Anyway its not that you are going out, its that you seem to be further away, like you don't move over to cuddle me at all anymore, but you used to before. Now you havent done that for like a month". She didn't really say anything and so I left to sleep in home theatre. Granted, why are you asking her to cuddle with you and you arent even sleeping in the same room? You just come off as desperate for her affection.
You nailed it here:
Originally Posted By: Oluwa
God, so as usual, as soon as there is anything that I find threatening, I start to panic and I try to alleviate my anxiety by asking her what is going on. I hate that I lose that control still, even though I know rationally I should just have left it.
Why do you think SHE is going to alleviate your anxiety?
Originally Posted By: Oluwa
But shes getting her hair done and then going out clubbing that same night. She didn't tell me about it earlier and I dont know the person. I never see her messages or anything on her phone anymore, so its so easy to get paranoid. I would love to ask, can I see the messages from Sophie or something like that to be sure that is what she is doing. If the friend is single, how do I know she isn't trying to mess about with other guys at the club. Or Sophie doesn't even exist and its a guy shes meeting. Do I really have to just ride this out, not knowing what she is doing? If our marriage was ok, I would be able to ask for reassurance, although if it was OK, I probably wouldn't feel the need.
Lets play this out:
- She told the 100% truth. Shes going out for a girls night with Sophie. - She told half truth. Shes going out with Sophie but the intention is to meet guys. - She lied and is doing something else.
What is different for you in these scenarios?
Originally Posted By: Oluwa
Things just feel worse all the time in this R. Even though I'm writing yesterday, oh maybe she wants to watch TV with me. I really hate this situation as I hate the now knowing, and I can see why people split up so easily, as it is definetely easier to say, "screw it! lets seperate then!". I just wonder whether I am going to be strong enough to ride the DR process, especially if she is going to start a pattern of going out on her own, and I am meant to fein no interest.
1) What exactly do you want to know? 2) What is your alternative to the "DR process"?
