I cannot get over missing my husband

[ciluzen]

Hey Sosad. I'm so sorry this has happened, but glad you found your way here. This place was a lifesaver for me. I get that there are so many mixed feelings involved when this happens to a family. Job is right; at their ages your kids can figure out how they want to deal with their father. I will go one step further, though. As moms, we want to make our children not hurt; we want to make their pain go away. Yet we are in a huge amount of pain and confusion and anger and grief all tied up in a constantly morphing ball. Our comfort, safety and future just blew into a million pieces with BD. So, here's where I get to tell you not to do what I did.

Its tempting to talk to your kids about their father and what's going on. After all, they are the ones that know him best after you, right? Everyone else who hears what has happened won't know the good things about him that would make him worth standing for...only the kids will understand, right? So tempting...but don't. As much as they are adults, they will always be "children" in their heads when it comes to their parents. Both of you. So, first and foremost, you need to find supportive people (IC and really close friends or relatives...and this board) to vent to about all of your feelings, good, bad and awful, and all of your ideas and theories about what happened and what you can do so that you don't accidently vent it to the kids.

GAL and focus on you. We all struggle with it, but it is soooo necessary! GAL does not mean to schedule so many activities that you exhaust yourself, although in the beginning of all of this, it does help to keep your mind busy and be tired enough to sleep. Get SELFISH. Go do the things you've always held back on, the things you felt guilty about doing for whatever reason. The things that will make you feel good because you want to do them. Eat that cheesecake, buy new clothes (if you have depression diet effects, you'll need it), climb that mountain, train for that marathon (Feyth is the ultimate GALer) or just go watch a movie that YOU wanted to see...by yourself. Binge watch a tv show on Netflix with a giant bowl of popcorn.

Then, when your adult children need mom, be mom. Be their rock. Tell them you're coping, and really no more. Show them you're ok...tell them about your GAL adventures. Try not to speak ill of their dad...its tempting...but just shrug and let them know, he's on a journey. They should still love him as their dad, even when he is acting unloveable and...weird.

Early on, I tore my own kids up, pumping them for info on what my H said or did, telling them how sad I was, showing my devastation, asking them why he woud do this, and telling them things he had done that were devastating to me. That's a big "DON'T". I've had to work very hard to regain my footing as mom, the person they could come to for comfort. And that's what they need to see. I've found that being that honest mom who was always open to her kids because we could share everything and had "that kind of relationship" was not the wy to be in crisis. They really just want to know that we, and thus everything else, will be ok. Even as adults. So in this instance, we really need to fake it 'til we make it.

Post often, share often, and we will get through this together. DR is a great guidebook...you'll find re-reading parts through this journey will have different meaning as you hit different phases. Carry on, Sosad. It gets better.