A review of finding out about A and telling W

[Steady9]

Thanks Sandi--I can see the perspective about me asking too many questions and could lead to resentment.

My W told me a story of how she was bothered about how I interacted with her and my son at a basketball game....about a year ago... My son was nervous about playing and I was not supportive enough and too pushy. I had forgotten this story and she remembers it clearly... This must be one of the foundational stories that made her pull away from me. She did not talk to me about it with me .. until just yesterday.

I am planning to not ask anymore questions and in this exchange I was saying that I read that couples become distant over lack of communication or some things that happen causing a lack of closeness.

Of course I would have preferred she simply raise her hand and say I have a problem with this but instead she slept with someone.

I do think she was "trying" to end the A before I let her know I know.... But who knows how long they would have talked... What got her attention was me saying that I was prepared to divorce.... She did not understand how I went down that path so quickly, she was hoping that I would never find out and she would end it before I found out and we had a good foundation.... She said that after she had sex,,,, she felt bad and just hoped I would never find out about it....

Each day she spends time evidently thinking about what happened and how she hurt me.

She is happy that I am giving her a second chance.

Let her know it may be better for her or us to see a C versus us talking about it at this point, don't think I have any more questions.

It appears the sex is just not significant for my W (with the OM) in general, money is more important --meaning, she did not spend any money on this A and if I had an A, she seems to be "as" interested if I spent money on her and if she would win me over emotionally with time.... versus the sex.

I think my W is happy to be over this and back home....and will continue to monitor...

The answers she has provided have been helpful and I just struggle with the past 6 months of lying and the sex act itself. I am reading about forgiveness and letting go.... I think I can get there.

Again the most amazing thing is..... If my W is back to normal, the way she was 5 or 10 years ago, what an amazing thing. I evidently was not the best H by not being the best father at times and being as supportive as I needed to be and not mirroring my W feelings and thoughts..... and now with this A, all of my sins may be forgiven and we start over. Her A in her mind is a greater sin than my lack of skills as a father and H... Now she is being fantastic to me. And wants me to not D her and marry her again. (of course I needed to find out about the A and let her know I knew, or she would have buried it)

I am trying to get my head around it... but I think many people would say this is worth it. We were not mature enough to have a "conversation" before the A.... but hopefully this event will be an opportunity to form a better R moving forward.

More to come