Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

Hi,

I few observations from my week so far.

On the weekend a friend contacted me to ask if I wanted to go and watch Australia vs South Africa Test Match on Thursday.
I have never been to cricket and don't really have much interest, but thought well I have never been so worth a go. I told my wife that I was going to go to cricket and she said ok. I was quite surprised as I would be taking the day off, and I am a contracter so if I have a day off I get no pay. She has commented before, that why don't you retire!, when I have taken time off. Whereas she has long service leave and has been taking alot of days off over this year.

Anyway, I went yesterday and it was ok not that interesting. I was in pain with my shoulder for most of the time and the combination of beer and hot sun, seemed to lower my mood quite a bit. My wife text me about kid things a couple of times and I found it odd that she never asked how my day out was going. I thought too myself that this is clearly the change, that now she has no interest in what I am doing at all, our lives were truly separating. This made me even more depressed. I was angry at myself also that I couldn't just enjoy the day out without my wife clouding my thoughts all bloody day, and we haven't even separated yet.

When I got home, she said "Oh! I thought you were going out!" I said I did that was today daytime. She's like, "So you took another day off work? Why don't you just retire from working!". I said, "So I cant take any leave ever?", and she said "If you look at home many days you have taken off this year!", "I said quite a few of these days were due to being sick. I wanted to say, well I have lost all motivation to work or anything, since your have been destroying our marriage, but that would not have achieved anything, well probably steps back.

The IMPORTANT thing in above is that I ruined my own day, primarily worrying about my wife and why she didn't ask how my day was going! When I get home, I realise it was all wasted, because she didn't even remember I was out in the daytime. It is after these realisations that I come back to understanding thatmy happiness is my responsibility, and I CAN CHOOSE to be happy in the moment, or be SAD and NEGATIVE, these are choices you make. And clearly, I have some ritual habits of ruminating and dwelling on the negative rather enjoying the positive.

Anyway, we had a few pleasant chats for early evening. She told me about an audition she went for, she does some part-time modelling once in a while. She seemed in a more friendly (at least talkative) mood today. Yes, I know, stop monitoring her mood!

While I was on the laptop, preparing from work I had to do a bit later in the evening, she asked me to do something in the kitch, I said oh I am actually working, and she said "Thats ok if your working Ill do it!". I said, "know thats ok I can do it quickly, I was just telling you why I was on the laptop, when you are working in the kitchen".

While she is eating, I am on my laptop working and she says "Did we finish watching Better Call Caul (TV Series)?", I said "No I dont think so and mentioned where we got to in the series". So my interpretation of this, is that she is indirectly asking if I want to watch TV with her. I haven't been in the room to do that for nearly 2 weeks, and she obviously is noticing a little bit. Normally, I would have jumped at the chance and said "Do you want to watch it tonight ?", but I decided to let her lead on that, I will let her invite me. It was hard, because as I said, I normally jump at any chance to be with her and she may well have noticed that. Who knows, my mind just loves to fabricate entire scenarios and meanings based on tiny things she says or does, so I could be way off with that interaction as well. Funny thing is, its potentially a positive interaction where she wants to watch TV with me, so I am happy to harbour those thoughts, as they make me feel like there is progress. Does this make sense, in that I can see my thought process is pretty flawed at over-analysing every thought.

Anyway, on the train on the way to work and friend has dropped my DR book in my desk drawer, so should start reading that this weekend.