So I'm at a point where I've given in to my wife's demand to start mediation. She doesn't want to work on things and frankly I'm already exhausted with her crap. I've been DBing but she's made up her mind and she's not budging. Let me correct that: she's not allowing herself to budge. She seemed a bit surprised when I threw in the towel but as someone on this board said "her circus, her monkeys".
I'm being respectful and cordial with her. We really only communicate when there's something to discuss about our daughter. We've gone the counseling together and it has helped me understand how we got to this point. Essentially my wife was bitching to her therapist about me instead of talking to me about our issues. In that time she moved closer and closer to ending the marriage while I was kept in the dark about it. Finally she just decided that she was done much to my surprise.
So my question is do I continue to DBing? I love my wife and I don't want a divorce but she is lost right now. It's like she someone else. I don't see that changing while we're under the same roof. I don't expect her to move until the new year. I'm kind of at a loss of what to do. We have to co-exist and co-parent so I don't want my daughter to see me as being a jerk to her mom but I certainly don't want to help her divorce me. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.
I'm no vet, but marriages come back together even after D, so, if you feel it's worth it, then keep DB'ing until you decide you've had enough.
No-one here can make that decision for you.
FWIW, I'm worried my W is going to do the same thing to me: she's stubborn as a mule, and now that she's decided she wants to separate and D, I'm worried she'll ignore any other possible feelings, and that's my only destination.
Whatever you decide, keep making working on a better MSP, and keep being a good dad.
M 40 W 40 S 2.5 Together 13 years Married 11 years BD: 09/23/16 PA, then long Distance EA confirmed 9/30/16 Exposed A to OM's W 10/7/16 A ended 10/10/16
I feel like it would almost be better if she wasn't around. If it wasn't for our daughter, I would have asked her to leave. It's almost impossible to be around someone who's told you they don't love you anymore. Her profound lack of kindness makes me feel so bad about her that I don't even want to see her.
This is torture. It really is. I know that things will get better, but right now its hard to see that.
msp710...as nutts said, I'm no vet either, but realize that there are alot of us here that are going thru exactly what you are going thru right now.
My W is officially moving out Saturday. Like you, I love my W and also feel that we could make things work, but as many on here have told me...this is her journey to make and she has to go thru it one way or another. I just hope she doesn't get too damaged in the process.
Take care of yourself and even more importantly, take care of your kids.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
Haven't posted in awhile. My marriage is effectively over. We had our mediation session on Wednesday and we essentially agreed on pretty much everything. I got everything I wanted: 50/50 custody, the house,and no spousal support. No cause for celebration but this will make my life a bit easier going forward.
A bit of a post-mortem involving DBing. In my case, it didn't work. My wife is incredibly stubborn. She had made up her mind about our marriage and there wasn't anyone or anything that was going to change her mind. She needs to be on her own and I believe that DBing might have hastened her soon to be exit. That's not a bad thing. This was the eventual conclusion so the sooner it's over, the sooner I can being to heal.
Keep at it everyone. Keep fighting. If anything, you know you did all you can to save your marriage.
DB'ing CAN work. It's the best solution to a tough problem.
DB'ing can continue to work, even after divorce. Consistency and a positive change in you will put a positive change you daughter, and will show STBXW what she's missing out on. You shouldn't do it to 'show her', but to move in a positive direction in your heart, in your mind, and in your soul. Did you do what you could do for your daughter? Sounds like it. My ex-wife is stubborn as a mule as well. Telling her she might be wrong puts her into another orbit. BTW, she's really enjoying her 'freedom', her new married boyfriend, and enjoys being mean to me, as I am still the person that did this all to her. Remember that, msp710 - her anger, resentment, and rebellion can continue, well after D - they are searching for what can make them happy, but they can't make themselves happy, so the search will go on and on. Maybe for the rest of their lives. And that is so terribly sad.
Find joy in every day, in your family, and in simple things in life. God's blessings.
M46, EXWW46 M15 T17 D20, S19, D13 M - Addiction since 1998 W EA/PA #1 2013/2014 W EA #2 June 2015... BD 1 Big D talk 9/15 BD 2 - EA/PA disc 10/30/15 Served D 1/22/16 Divorced 5/25/16 (yes, that fast!)
Sorry to hear your news. My W has made up her mind on D too and will be going through the legal process in the new year. DB hasn't saved my M yet but it's helped me to see and hear my W better and helped me to focus on my issues, the ones in my control. Be strong. You are not alone.
Gordie 40s W 40s M20+ kids 2016 BD W fantasy affair w OM1 I do everything wrong 2017 I start to DB W says TLTL files for D PA w OM2 2018 I do LRT W drops filing and OM2 situation slowly improving
For what it's worth, my XW told me I was the being "best husband ever" after we separated. I was the DBing king for awhile; and it still didn't save my marriage.
But several years later, she said she had been completely lost, had no idea who she was. She apologized to me and said she didn't love me like she should've, and didn't allow me to love her or let me in.
The journey really is theirs. And no matter how perfectly you DB or love them, you just can't fix someone who's broken. Accepting that is life-changing...
I continue to DB. I make sure my daughter sees me as nothing as respectable to her mother (even though her mother hasn't showed me the same level of respect). I know that I can look myself in the mirror and tell myself that I tried all I could to make it work. My wife cannot do the same. One day she will have to reconcile that.
Bippy78: my wife admitted that she was a terrible wife. She's a person who's lived with so much depression that I'm not sure she even knows what happiness is. She needs to go off and figure this out for herself. I cannot help her. The truth is, as much as I tried, I could never really help her. That was my fault.
I'm grateful that she didn't hammer me in the mediation. We both get to move on without overwhelming animosity. We're going to be in each other's lives for the foreseeable future so as angry and sad as I am, I'll continue to be a gentleman and treat her with respect so that my daughter see an example of what a man is.
