I've had a whole range of practically physical symptoms these past few days: almost debilitating back pain, a crushing feeling in my chest, dizziness, nausea.
I just want this all to stop, and to wake up, and for it to all be normal again. Except I don't even know what that is any more. I can't ever remember what that feels like and what that ever felt like.
Focus, please check out the ted talk by Guy Winch and emotional first aid... The type of stress and emotional anguish you are sharing here sounds to have moved to physical symptoms... You need to treat for this, and amazingly there actually is good information and a lot of science and study behind what he shares. Please do take care of your self.
(((((focus)))))
Thank you.
I loved this talk.
I'm really not very good at this at all. Everything gets turned inward with me. I can't quite express how painful it all is in words.
I'm soothing my physical aches and pains with hot baths. I'm having them a lot. But I figure it's not a bad thing I'm doing. Being in the hot water is really calming and relaxing, and it really helps me unwind.
I coloured my hair again, red (which looks like a deep red on me). Everyone notices it, and they all love it. It's colour I'd never considered before, so I like that...a break from the past.
I also bought myself some new winter accessories: huge, oversize, tartan scarves and a coupe of pairs of short boots in the sales. These styles are a new departure for me as well...a break from the past.
So, last night...I had an awful nightmare. He was sitting there, head bowed. I was standing up near him, and all our friends and family were looking on, like an audience watching a show. I was talking, almost shouting at him, my voice half way between crippling hurt and venomous anger. It was also a performance for the benefit of all our friends and family. I was saying/shouting how we all have feelings, but that we don't all have to act on them. And the difference between feelings and actions.
Woke up feeling utterly exhausted.
I bought myself some nice fish and an avocado for lunch. Had them mashed together. Healthy food that is good for you.
I'm trying to work on some admin today to move my life forward.
Finally applying for a single person's Council Tax discount. And I discovered that they can backdate it too, to the date he left. That should make things a bit easier next year (depending when it comes through).
A year feels like no time at all.
I remember getting to three months and thinking I had already come so far.
But a year? I can remember the pain like it was just yesterday.
