New LBH with WAW/Possibly WW, help Part 2

[j20a00g]

man, I miss my wife. this [censored]. I mean, I'm doing good ok, and I'll get by, but, I really just miss my wife.

I know, I should detach, and outwardly I am, and I know inwardly I should too, but it's hard.

nothing has really happened lately. I'm going to happy hour with a friend tonight after work, should be fun. Friday night W is going out with friends, and I'm worried she looking to hook up, but I don't ask where she's going or what she's doing.

I'm going to college football game Saturday, but not sure what I'm doing good that evening. well see.

anyway, just wanted to vent and journal. detaching is hard

The person you are seeing is not your wife. I'm willing to bet that you miss the woman who was once your wife. The past. Those times are gone. They may be back. But not tonight or tomorrow.

Keep working on detaching. Your comment about her maybe looking to hookup as she goes out shows that you have a ways to go. It is hard. I know. But those thoughts in your head or giving them so much of your focus is only hurting you. Like drinking poison and expecting someone else to die.

[nutts]

well, the weekend came and went, without much happening. W went to a Halloween party with a friend of hers sat. night, I went to football game sat, then took S trunk or treat with my mom and grandparents, and that was nice.

I found out W has been buying dinnerware and linens, I guess for when she moves out. I would've let her take most of the stuff from our house, but whatever. she's using her credit card to do it, if she pays it off with my money, I may have to ask her about it.(she doesn't know I know)

I told her im giving her space, not going to ask what or with whom she's doing things with, so we can stay in our house for the benefit of S.

and, 1 thing that I'm doing, I know may be controversial here, but is complete 180 for me, Im basically coming onto her sexually. I told her, after she was done putting S down, to put on lingerie and come in the MBR. she said, not while I'm on my period (she was, I had hoped it was done). and the next day I told her it was hard for me to sleep as I kept thinking of how hot she looked the other day.

maybe I need a 2x4 but old me never did this, I know it breaks one of sandi's rules, but it's truly a 180. plus, I really want to see if she's willing because she told me early on she doest want me to ever touch her again.

let's she want this week brings. I'm go8ng to visit a friend this weekend, should be fun.

[MoveFrwd]

Curious - if you suspect your W had a PA, why would you want to sleep with her without having some kind of STD test?



Also, just curious how this:

I told her im giving her space

and this:

I told her, after she was done putting S down, to put on lingerie and come in the MBR.

arent mutually exclusive?

[sandi2]

I told her im giving her space, not going to ask what or with whom she's doing things with, so we can stay in our house for the benefit of S.

What about transparency?

[nutts]

I told her im giving her space, not going to ask what or with whom she's doing things with, so we can stay in our house for the benefit of S.

What about transparency?

Sandi, we're not piecing, we're not working on R, she still wants to physically separate and, AFAIK, get a D at some point. I think she's still got wayward in her, and there's 0 chance of her being transparent right now as I think she is probably looking for an OM (or hell, maybe she has another one already). While I hate it, there's little I can do about it right now, so...

The strategy I'm trying to take right now is, let her do her thing, and I'll do my thing. I'm not going to ask what she's doing, and she shouldn't ask what I'm doing (although she got kind of upset when I wouldn't tell her who I was going to hang out with the other night). Let's act separated, but ensure someone is available for S if we're going out at night (so far, so good here).

I'm trying to detach, but it's very hard, I do think about what she's doing, and of course, I always imagine she's doing some OM. It's bad for me, but it's hard for me to stop thinking about her.

And, I know, the trying to have sex with her is not a part of detaching/giving her space, but, TBH, it is a big 180 for me, and I'm really hard up for her now (since I stopped PMO'ing). It's a bad excuse, but, would it really hurt since we didn't have sex before (at least the last 2 years)?

Thanks guys.

[MoveFrwd]

The strategy I'm trying to take right now is, let her do her thing, and I'll do my thing. Let's act separated.

So is coming on to her something that is part of the separation?

You can call it a 180 if you want, but to me, it sounds like you are hoping that being physical will ignite some kind of 'spark' in her. I dont think that will work.

Also, did you ask about STDs before trying to sleep with her?

[nutts]

The strategy I'm trying to take right now is, let her do her thing, and I'll do my thing. Let's act separated.

So is coming on to her something that is part of the separation?

You can call it a 180 if you want, but to me, it sounds like you are hoping that being physical will ignite some kind of 'spark' in her. I dont think that will work.

Also, did you ask about STDs before trying to sleep with her?

No, it's obviously not a part of the separation, it is 180, and, I have thought maybe it'll help us, but I really (REALLY) just want to have my way with her. I don't know that it will ever happen TBH though.

No, I haven't asked about STDs, but, if I ever get the chance, I'll ask her before we start (although, that could be a mood killer...hmm, gonna have to think about that one).

[nutts]

updates. nothing has happened R wise, outside of she says she feels like she can't go anywhere without me since I control the money. I didn't mention she could fie whenever she wanted, but I'm sure she knows that. she hasn't bought more crap for her new place at least.

she did, however, schedule a cleaning get service for once a month for our house,and it pissed me off. she doesn't work, stays home with S who goes to school 3 days a week for r hours, and naps everyday for 2 hours. she has plenty of time to clean the house.

I'm really pissed over this. we used to have a service, UT I told her im not paying it while she stays at home, and it stopped. she didn't do well cleaning honestly, but did enough. now this.

my thoughts range from kicking her ass out, making a big stink that she should be cleaning the house, or just deal with it while this sitch works itself out.

I know just deal with it short term is probably right, but it really makes me mad. I couldn't stand to be around her yesterday, and I left dinner that she cooked and we were all eating together. after I put S down, I left the house, watched world series at sports bar.

Anyway, we're going to a dinner and show it has my parents tonight (has been scheduled for a while), well see how it goes.

thanks.

[MoveFrwd]

she feels like she can't go anywhere without me since I control the money.

she did, however, schedule a cleaning get service for once a month for our house,and it pissed me off. she doesn't work, stays home with S who goes to school 3 days a week for r hours, and naps everyday for 2 hours. she has plenty of time to clean the house.

So is her feeling correct? Does she have any say in the finances? How do you guys communicate on money issues?

This looks like a similar pattern to my marriage. My ex would spend money on something I thought was unnecessary and Id be grumpy about it. All it did was lead to hurt and resentment on both sides as we never communicated clearly about budgets and plans.

[nutts]

So is her feeling correct? Does she have any say in the finances? How do you guys communicate on money issues?

This looks like a similar pattern to my marriage. My ex would spend money on something I thought was unnecessary and Id be grumpy about it. All it did was lead to hurt and resentment on both sides as we never communicated clearly about budgets and plans.

She has her own credit cards that she pulls money from the main account to pay, and she has a joint credit card. She also has an ATM card, so she has access to the money.

But, she's talking like she wants to buy a house. She's talked to realtors, and I know she's looked online at houses. I told her she should look to rent 1st, then, when she knows her financial situation, buy a house, but she doesn't want to move twice, and she believe the money she'll get from D will help her (I did a good job saving money, so she'll get a good bit, although a lot of it is in IRA and 401K).

I make the money, and she spends it, that's how it works. Now, that sounds like I'm bitter, but I'm really not. She does like to shop, but she doesn't buy expensive items. I rarely get onto her about how much she spends, outside of a few months when it was really high. However, the maids thing is more about principles than money.