Firstly, I am not good at telling stories. Excuse me if I jump all over the place. Secondly, English is not my mother tongue, I am sure you will know what I mean, but I can be saying some funny phases. Any who, this is my story.
I neglected my husband for a year. I have to say parenthood had taken a toke on both of us because we both grew up in broken families. We jumped into it not knowing what to expect and with no help. I was deaf to his complaints, he mentioned he was depressed but I just assumed he will get over it. At the time my very unsettled son was my one and only priority. I was unhappy too. He was helpful around the house and supporting me but my son was getting easier and he was almost one. I decided to go visit my dad and my stepmom for 2 weeks so I could relax a bit and be with family. Meanwhile, the pipes at home had busted. I said to him I am not going back with a baby if there's no water supply. So 2 weeks became 1 month. And I was really mean about it. When we got back, he became a different man.
He at first was critical and withdrawn. He cheated once 7 years ago, so I started checking his iPad and found some inappropriate photos and sites straight away. He told me everything when I confronted him. He was seeing an escort. He was angry because he was ashamed of it. We agreed to try to work things out so I went from not paying attention to him to pursuing too hard. It was not working. He finally told me he loves me and not in love with me. He wanted to live as friends and raise our son together. Until one day it was too much for me I asked him to leave because he said he wanted me to get over him. 2nd mistake.
I didn't read DR till 2 weeks ago. But prior to that I made a promise to myself to love him unconditionally for 90 days. I said to him I still love him and want to use this energy positively. Since then I got better and better in being around him without acting desperate. I am following some techniques I read in "my husband doesn't love me and is texting someone else". I acknowledge his feelings, praise him on his look and if he does anything encouraging, not doing "more of the same" when disagreeing. We definitely gets on a lot better now, and he confessed to me he's having a mid life crisis.
So here is where I feel stuck. He told me more than once there's no other woman at the start of our separation. I believe him. But there is one now, but he lied about doing activities with her. He comes 4 or 5 times a week to see our 16 months old. When he can't make it, he would text saying he has a work meeting or he's hangover. I know he lied because we have a joint bank account. Every time he doesn't come, he's spending money in a nice restaurant, or a cinema, or a shopping mall. I know I should stop prying. I can't help it. But I never tell him I know. He went on a holiday 2 months after separating, spend half of his savings, drinking and partying every chance he got. I was very controlling before, now I know I need to stay out of it. Another 2 weeks, my 90 days will be up. He is getting more and more comfortable hanging around me, telling me around work and his new iPhone purchase. Asking me to help sort out Christmas with his family. Taking out the rubbish when he's around. But, continue to poach me to sell the apartment and keeping his dates with OW. I am thinking about the last resort but don't know if it's the way to go. I texted him almost everyday about something positive. Either it's his look that day, or how good he's doing at work, or how good he's with our son. I think he appreciate it mostly. But he has a date before meeting us, then he acts colder towards me. I also make a point in hugging him when he leaves, he said he's hugging me as a friend. I also buy him small things like the cake he likes, put a Pepsi in the fridge when he visits. He would take these gifts. Sometimes happily, sometimes deep in throught. I think he's going back and forth in how he feels about my changes. And I know I am still "pursuing", only that I am not a mess anymore and has started a new job.
There has been some arguments such as the times he took our car key with him, and yelling at me because I was "making things difficult" because he needed to return it when he's at work. I refuse to join in the fights anymore. I would calmly tell him afterwards that I don't appreciate his behaviour because how he affects my day. Being assertive is crucial to my plan because I don't want to bring up my resentment towards him. I am doing well except that I don't know if he will realise he's missing out on his son's childhood. I feel bad for the little one only having me to rely on. He protested strongly lately when H trying to leave after a visit. I fear more of the future of him having to travel between two homes.
Anyway, do give me some pointers my fellow DBers. I take the comfort in knowing there are many on the same journey, and I hope that our idiot halves will all come to their senses and face their demons rather than running away! Thank you for reading.
Me: 33 H: 32 T: 10 years M: 2 BD: Aug 2016 H moved out Aug 20, 2016 S: 17 months old
Welcome to the MLC Forum. I'm sorry you are here, but we've got a lot of wonderful people posting here who will be happy to come by and visit w/you, i.e., support you, give advice and/or opinions, as well as just to talk about life in general. So, I'm going to paste Cadet's Welcome Posting here for you to begin some brand new homework. Read as much as you can about MLC and depression and if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask them.
Here's Cadet's Welcome Posting: OK so that means MORE homework.
Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
Sorry you are here but you will meet some wonderful people here and get some great advice.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support)
I have read a good deal of books on the subject and can give you some suggestions when you are ready.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
I will give you a bunch of homework assignments to read.
This POST is under reconstruction and we will be working on this as time goes by, this is the most current version.
Now you have all the tools to read. Let us know how your doing and if you have any questions.
I suggest that you read the entire thread in the resources. You can also pick out some people and read their whole story.
Depression is the key to the whole thing and it is always present!
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.
I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations. Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure. You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.
Lets not worry about him/her. Lets work on you! Start your homework assignments. Something to DO while you are on moderation. GAL. Eat, sleep, exercise and take a deep breath. In general take care of your self first.
Detach the single most important thing to DO.
Your H/W has given you a gift THE GIFT OF TIME use it wisely
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
_________________________ Me-62, D30,S28
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
