Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

So how do you feel you are 'pushing her away'?

Thanks darknes. I guess I am feeling that not moving towards her and trying to engage, it seems that we are farther apart. She seems quiet happy for me not to be around, whereas if I watch TV with her, sometimes we talk and she moves closer. But I guess she isn't really feeling it.

Do you see how this appears weak? You did something, then changed your mind (and pursued her) and then when you didnt get what you wanted, you slunk back off? Im all for staying in the MBR, but this wishy washy back and forth is not helping you any.

Yes I understand what your saying here, but this wasn't really me pursuing her, I just felt like sleeping in there, but then felt restless and decided to get up. But yes, most of the time I do show alot of weakness to her.

she said "Do you want your food now?" in a angry way, I said "Yes!", then I asked her which one is it ? She said, "It obvious isnt it!". I said, "well you might be eating too!", she went on to say "Well you have more food so its obvious which one is yours". I said "You know, the amount of energy you expended there to explain why I should have known which food was mine, you could have saved all that and pointed and said that one!."

Whats the point of your final thing? Just say "thanks for making my food" and be done with it? As Sandi says, would you rather be right or be married?

I guess I am confusing some things here. I feel that in order to be a stronger man, I need to stick up for myself, I need to tell her when I don't like the way she talks to me. Yes I want to be married to her still, but it can't continue for both our sakes, if no behaviours change, i.e. if I stay a doormat/Mr Nice Guy.

Distancing and detaching are two incredibly different things. You seem to be matching her moods right now. If she's happy, you feel good. If she's angry, then you are grumpy and argue with her. YOU need to be in control of your mood. THATS detaching. All you are doing is putting distance between you and her. Thats not bad, per se. But if you arent also taking control of your own emotions, then the distance isnt really going to mean much one way or the other. I see lots of negative interactions...how can you make them more positive?

Thanks this comment helps alot. Definitely still matching her mood as you accurately point out. And story of my repair attempts over the year and a half, where I do things for a while and expect results. See point above about negative and positive interactions. I have ignored so much of her negative interactions over the years, and now feel I should stand up for myself, I guess an attempt to set boundaries. So I can be more positive and have been, but do I continue to be positive despite her harsh words.

But I don't want to be doing this another year down the road.

So, youre just 'trying' this to see if there is an immediate change? How about worry about next year next year. Worry about today. And maybe tomorrow.

Yeah point taken, but this isn't new, I've been working through this for along time, she still doesn't seem any closer, and sometimes I just think that it is inevitable that she will eventually leave. I feel I would be much better off emotionally if I at least had a say in that seperation, in that I agreed to it or even instigated it. I feel stuck, because to go forward I need to more assertive and I am not sure there is a way forward without me suggesting seperation.