D and MLC

[ciluzen]

Wow. I just looked at my calendar and realized that my final mediation was Sept 19 and the last time I saw H (and had a beer with him) was a week later...and here we are in November!

Thanks for stopping by, Altair. Yes, I do love Van Gogh's ravens in the wheat fields. Almost anything corvid related catches my eye!

Hey Feyth! That studio sounds very interesting and fun. I'm doing ok. As I said, I just realized how long its been since I've seen H. Its funny, I had a fun and full day on Saturday; went to a big ski shopping event (needed a helmet and a few other things) and then out to lunch for Indian food with a friend. We even drove around the areas I'll be house hunting in the spring. But most of the weekend I "holed up" to study. And so my mind started turning to H and the events around the issue...total cycling of anger and sadness. Sure makes concentrating difficult when you're mind constantly drifts that way. I think I need a rubber band...

Part of it was Halloween, my favorite holiday. Soooo many memories involving H and I; not just the fun stuff with my girls. In the past years, (about 15 of them!) we got together at friends' houses who lived in a neighborhood and had a big party so that all of the "country" kids could trick or treat or take turns handing out candy. Even last year after H had moved out, one of that social group (the only one I really spoke to because I bugged her about wanting to see her daughter's soccer games) brought up that it was at her house, so I went. It was awkward and H was there. He kept looking at me and periodically coming over to check on me (not many people knew he had moved out) but it was even more awkward because I realized that I had no real connection to these people I'd known for years; they were just people I did things with. No deeper connection. That was a real eye opener. So this year, I turned off the holiday in my head after work, but periodically fantasized about staying home next year to pass out candy (when I can be in a neighborhood in a house) because I haven't lived in town in 22 years! I also kept wondering if H was with the former social group celebrating...where is that darn rubber band?!

Anyway, I'm better again. I have a full weekend and a lot to do. I do need to work on exercising more. I have a little 5k for fun this weekend and ski season is looming, but I am NOT in shape! I need a routine.

I do want to post some thoughts on H later today to get them out...and then stop. The reason? The holidays are coming and I feel I need to put some of the things that cycle in my head down to put them to rest. Maybe to get feedback, reassurance, ...something. But later. Hope everyone makes a good day happen!