Phase 2 contd (2)

[Pax_luv]

Hello everyone,
I haven't had the time to respond to your comments and questions and I apologize. Thank you for the guidance. It's so appreciated. I'm all over the place and a bit of a mess.

I'm going to see h today for dog swap and I'm sick over it. If he brings the d up, I'm not sure how to act. I feel so threatened again and I just want to crawl inside of myself.... Which is what the old Feyth would have done.

What should I do? Say? Is it ok for me to tell him that I'm not trying to be adversarial. What I am trying to do is protect myself from him. Can I tell him that he is no longer allowed to give me ultimatums and I do not need to respond to his attempts to control me and the sitch?

I seriously don't know how to approach it. Even if he doesn't bring it up, maybe I should say something? What do you think???

[Pax_luv]

I also need to respond to my lawyer about h's offer. I've been avoiding it, but I know I should respond. I just want to be mindful of the timing, etc.

[CaliGuy]

Feyth

So you have anxiety about meeting your h .... maybe you even have anxiety about having anxiety. See what happens? You spin, you are spinning before you even get there. Some Advice ... BREATHE. He gets to you ... you know it but more importantly he knows it, its how he manipulates you, take that power back ... use this meeting as a start.

You are going to swap the dog. Its a simple business transaction. Do not even consider bringing it up, swap the dog and get on about your day .. you know you are running late for that thing and you have to get to it. If he brings it up .. sorry can't chit chat now .. gotta run n do my thing, we can discuss it later ... buh-bye.

[Sotto]

Yes, I agree with Cali, don't engage with him on that at all. If he raises it, you can say - hey, I'm due somewhere - we'll need to discuss this another time. You're not in a place where you can hold your ground in a convo with him. Respond to your L and let him/her advise your H.

Remember Feyth, you get to decide what is and isn't okay for you!

Xx

[ciluzen]

You've got good advice coming in, Feyth. You've got this. I know it seems like we should explain our actions when we feel that our S is possibly misinterpreting our actions and that scares us into believing that we're screwing up our chances of R. But here's the thing (which we already know).

That's all mindreading. Or attempting to. Don't do it. You'll make yourself crazy.

You know you have to swap your dog. Check.
You know you will see H. Check.
You know you will need to exchange greetings and pleasantries because you are polite. Check.
You know you need to look fantastic because ...Sandi's rules! Check.

All else is mind reading or pursuing. Remember, counterintuitive. If you say to yourself, "I think I should" or "I feel I should" then you probably shouldn't. If H tries to say anything go with the soft rule of "listen, validate, but if it becomes D talk, verbal attacks or dark emotion...you've got places to go, elsewhere to be". You do, actually. You need to go treat yourself...run, get some ice cream, see a movie, see a friend, curl up with a good book and a glass of wine (I like "adult special" hot chocolate or a small bit of scotch, myself).

Basically, here's that darn word again...detach. Just make it a thing you do, no emotion, just a task. Think shallowly, breath deeply, feel...like you really are excited for the treat you will be enjoying AFTER the task. And don't try to read his mind. When I start attempting to mind read, I now like to picture a scene from the awful movie "Scanners" (google it) where people had their heads blow up. It stops me quite quickly.

And use your L. Respond, and use to their full extent.Think, don't feel during the legal stuff.

[Pax_luv]

Ahhhh Cali, Sotto, and Ciluzen... Thank you so much. Your support means the world.

I thought I was getting there with detachment as life was pretty good and I no longer worried about him.... But d@mn this legal process.... It's pulled me right back in. Without my rose colored glasses on, I can see clearly how he is used to manipulating me. Money is his Achilles heel and that's what this d is about right now.

I need to cut these stings asap.... He's not my puppeteer any more. (How sad that I was his puppet for so long)

On my way to get the dog, I blasted happy music and sang along and danced to the radio. I was feeling ok. Then when I pulled up, I noticed that his lawyer friend was visiting. Blehh...So we swapped the dog. Only 3 words were spoken, no eye contact. I looked good because I was on my way out to pick up my girl friend for dinner and drop my doggy off for a play date.

Me and my friend had a great night. came home, had an awful night of sleep... And didn't get out of bed till 11. I'm just finishing my coffee and breakfast and its 12:30! Once I get moving today, I will be cleaning up my apartment, doing laundry, etc. I've been out galing so much that I haven't been home all week! Smells like trash.. I have no groceries, etc. Uch- need to get my act together! I'm like a sloppy teenager.

I've been reading an old external blog... The persons name was mentioned here in the MLC section in past threads, but I don't know if she posted here (?) or if people just referenced her(?). Anyway, she has some insightful posts about the controlling and manipulating MLCer and its been helpful reading it. It's reminding me that this is "normal." I guess I've been fortunate to not have an MlCer who frequently spewed such hatred, so I'm not used to this new development and am having a hard time with it. I've been absorbing all the blows and taking his word as truth and it's been eating at me.

Detach detach detach detach. Protect myself.... And detach some more.

Wishing you all a beautiful day!

[Pax_luv]

Happy Halloween! Boy the zombies are out today!

Just popping in to say how thankful I am for this site and for all of you. Honestly, I think I would be dead if I tried to deal with stbxh "alone" and without the knowledge that this site provides.

I can't even believe how nasty he's gotten. I prayed for months and months just hoping he would realize that I wasn't fighting him. I prayed that he would wake up and realize that he was swinging at air. Now that we're in the legal phase, I must protect myself..... I'm still not fighting.... Just defending.... But he thinks I'm trying to take him down and has even portrayed me as evil. He said I was smiling evilishly as I told him I'm not signing over the house. Not true!!!!

How did I become the scum of the earth overnight? This really is too much. I'm a good person and I have to stop giving a f*ck about what him or my inlaws or ex-friends think. I keep trying to trust the universe and a higher power that all will be ok, but I'm having a hard time relinquishing that control.


Thanks for allowing me to "spin" a bit. I just....... Ugh.... There are no words.

[pinn]

ugh I'm sorry Feyth. Keep being you. [censored] that the D proceedings have kind of taken you back in time. You can get through this!

[Pax_luv]

Thank you, Pinn! Appreciate you reaching out.

I had a good Halloween and even passed out fortune cookies to the kids... Each time I would say, "I wish you good fortune" and they didn't quite appreciate it. I, however, enjoy spreading some light hearted positivity.

This morning I woke up feeling back to normal (the good normal). I appreciate the fact that these wobbles still come and go, but each time it gets shorter and less devastating. I have to trust in this, And not get too bent out of shape each time h hits me with a bag of poo! I had a great 5 hours and was just hit with more lawyer junk which sets me back again. I feel a little bit of depression slipping in and am trying to remain positive and full of love.

This divorce just seems to be moving at light speed. I'm not going to jump in the way to slow it down, but I'm amazed how quickly we continue to move forward. It's sad.

I started my 30 day boot camp challenge today. I've kind of cheated on the meals already, but i can not deny my love for cheese! I need to practice lovingly detaching from cheese. We have an unhealthy codependent relationship!!!

I work out with my boot camp team tonight. Should be interesting. I'm so grateful for the distraction!

Much love to you all.

[pinn]

awesome... can't wait to hear about the boot camp. Stay away from those cheese filled tunnels ;-)