Feeling Lost 3

[srt]

Updating again so I don't get too far behind on my sitch.

peacetoday: thanks for the reminders, I'v ebeen pretty good I think at following most of these, although all of us can always improve in some way.


In other news I had a great holiday with the kids, lots of days out and seeing stuff. Also visited some relations which was great fun, kids loved it and were amazingly well behaved, made me very proud.

However starting to feel a bit down again since back to work and usual routine - my GAL stuff kicks in then but hard to stem the feeling of disappointment that not much is changing in my sitch.

W behaviour has been erratic again as usual. She even brought a gift at one point for me which caught me unawares but I was appreciative of. She has also been fairly pleasant although did keep asking where "we" were during hols - like checking up on kids and our activities. It's like she is angling for an invite to something, yet I haven't been asked out by her to anything. Family have told me that is tough for her - she left and therefore has not right to know what we are up to, if she wants that she knows what actions re the R she has to do. Suggestions on how to manage this would be really helpful - I don't think I am ready to invite her on all these activities as it definately feels like cake-eating to me, yet at the same time I also feel sometimes I am "punishing" her by not responding straight away or giving minimal information. I know this may be my issue to sort (my feeling on it), and just stay dark but it is often on my mind.

I counter this against her radio silence during the other part of our holidays when she has children. She also never brought them round for Halloween (although I didn't ask - no pursuit and all that). She also seemed really pissed kids had a good time with me and were not falling over to cuddle/jump on her at changeover. This attitude may also have been due to not getting asked to any events with kids in my time. She had D in tears while waiting in the car whist S was getting changed at changeover - she was pissed at me because he was not ready to go at the instant she arrived. My parent have said that this is because she may wish for the kids to remain dependant on her - MIL has real issues with this and has intruded in the past and passed traits of this onto W.

I'm continuing to hang back and go dim, giving her space etc, but I'm not sure if this is working tbh. Equally any form of "pursuit" is usually rejected too so I guess I can't win
She has said though that "I never speak to her" etc so I guess she is noticing I'm withdrawing.

Not sure what my next moves should be - I'd like to get the dating going again but realise it is pointless unless she wants to. I did suggest last time we spoke about it that we do it on a rota so no one feels like they are losing out on contact time with the kids, but then I think really, if it comes down to that, how important is the M to her? And that is my conundrum as I don't want to pursue, yet she has openly admitted she has no self-confidence so I doubt she will pick up the courage to ask me. I may simply ask her what she thinks about our last conversation sometime, since I asked her to get back to me and nothing as of yet...

It took us until the point of counselling at which we were told we should basically get divorced (since she was unwilling to change anything) for her to say "no - I don't want that" yet she has never came out and committed and said she wants to fix our R - just "try it and see what happens"
I'm not sure if that is enough for me, but I also know I have real trouble keeping my expectations at zero.

The problem I have at the moment is I really don't feel I'm making any progress at all with ME. I've done my GAL and all the other stuff but really don't like the way things are. I realise I should be grateful for what I have, and lots in my life is good, but I must admit I am struggling to fill this gap. I know time will heal, but I'm not sure she is making any progress, and know I even doubt MLC!!! That is how crazy I now feel.

Hope this makes sense when other read it back - I've jumped about a lot and re-edited. Looking forward to some constructive criticism and insightful comments. Sometimes I feel I get a pretty easy ride compared to others in here....