Newby here, desperate for some advice (thread 5)

[JRuss]

Just an update. Haven't been around much because, well, I think I'm done trying to "bust" the looming divorce. This is a horrible, scary decision/feeling, but I've tried really, really hard for a long, long time, and we're no closer. We're actually much further away. When I think about all of it since BD, she's never moved back to me in any meaningful way. She wants what she wants, and that is, by definition in her mind, a life without me as anything other than the guy she has to co-parent. She's been willing to wait a very long time to get it, and she's willing to wait longer still, but that's where she's going to get to no matter what. Maybe she ends up realizing some number of years from now that her problems are not so much me as she thinks and much more her own; I won't in any event be around as an option at that point. I'm sure of that, so why it finally occurred to me am I still fighting this with my entire being?

Several days ago, we had (hopefully our last) difficult/painful relationship talk. She was in her usual mode -- it's all me that got us here, she doesn't see any way she could ever go back to feeling about me the way she needs to feel about a partner, she confirmed MC to her is only about learning to communicate with me better as we divorce (for the kids' benefit), she wants to be happy, or at least try to live a life where that could be a possibility. She did say one, very revealing thing: "This -- the four of us: it's not enough for me". It certainly was for me and for our two children, but what can you possibly do with that mindset, especially when you're under the same roof, just cementing with your presence every day the idea that she wants that presence to not be a part of her life? She sees a split as a way to have less parenting responsibility and a more-varied, vibrant life. Well, no $hit -- but, hello, what do the kids need? I stay up night after night stressing about how the children will react to a life that doesn't have both of their parents in it every day, and she fantasizes about precisely that. We just don't see the same world, much less have the sort of connection we'd need to have a marriage that could work.

I have done what I can do with the skills and temperament I was given in this life. I can say that with a straight face, mean it and believe it. As I have always told my daughter when she's struggled: we can only do what we can do; we should always do what we can, but it's not possible to do more. It's such easy and correct advice to give someone, but I've had a really hard time applying it to my situation. If I can apply it going forward, I think I might be able to relax some and not suffer as much as I have. Maybe I don't really have to torture myself over and over with thoughts that I'm not doing enough or doing it right, hypothesizing how things could be if only if . . .

I spent last night looking at area real estate with an eye toward figuring out what I could afford for the three of us post-split when it's my time with the kids. It made me feel better and not worse, which was eye opening. I'm going to continue to go down the planning road, which I've avoided all this time because it felt like I was in some way accepting that things might not "work out", and that seemed very wrong. I realize that is what I should have been doing for a long time, but, again, you do what you can do, with what you bring to the table in terms of your hardwiring, and you don't do more (because you can't).

I hope all of the kind people who've helped me here find peace in their situations. I will still be around and try to lend whatever help or insights I can, but I don't see a whole lot of sitch updates in my future -- I'm pretty sure I'm done trying to stop it from happening, whatever that's going to end up being. My life needs to be better now so I can be a good Dad, and doing this, what I've been doing for so long, I realize it contributes to a hugely painful existence that keeps me from that better parenting goal.