Here we go again....

[matw]

So thought I would update my sitch.. Went to my IC last Friday and we had some interesting discussions. This counselor is the one that my wife went to as an IC and also we used for our MC. Now we are both going to him as an IC so he has some pretty good insight into what is going on in our marriage. First thing he tells me is, "We have a very confused women and I hear you are being very patient with her." Then he tells me, "You know there is a different between being patient and stupid..."

So he asks me about my wife's relationships that she has... with friends, family, our kids, etc... Ask's me if she has ever had any really good relationships that a mutually beneficial to both parties. I realize that she really hasn't in the 15 years I have known her. Basically he tells me that my wife doesn't have the capacity for it because she always shuts down and runs. He explains that is what he is going to be working with her on.

We then go into that I need to stop being the nice guy and helping her. I have been enabling her through the entire relationship. He wants me to stop avoiding conflict with her as well. Not in a mean way or anything but stand up for myself. He also wants me to stop helping her so much. She needs the move out to be painful for her and realize that running from responsibility/feelings isn't the right way to go about it.

He wants me to work on myself and continuing putting myself 1st. He gave some great suggestions and recommendations. Its not about going out and doing big grand gestures to prove your putting yourself first. Its move about doing smaller things that add up over time. Doing things only for me and not because I want someone else to think of me a certain way.

I left there with a lot to think about. I think the best thing I can do for myself right now is to work on detaching. This has been difficult for me and has been slowly driving me crazy how much I think about her. I know it will be easier once I detach and realize it will take sometime. I think it might be easier once she is in the apartment.