The book of Lou - Chapter 6

[AndrewP]

Hmmmm - Just my two cents from the other side of the gender wall. It might not be helpful but perhaps might add perspective.

Pre BD I had a very active libido and a large "appetite" for all sort of things including food, news, wood-working, reading etc. My W was low desire as far as the sex life part goes but we made that work all the same and we had some things that we were both passionate about too.

On BD2 when I found out about the affair it was like a switch went off inside my head. It actually felt like something had "snapped" and changed. I still remember it clearly and can still feel the echo of it. All of my passions left abruptly. I also abruptly did a few radical (for me) actions such as cutting off my mid-back length hair. I started walking obsessively and other sorts of odd actions such as obsessing over how the bed was made and the number 13 (the day W and I met). I think that if my W had come back dancing naked through the MBR in those first few weeks that I would not have been able to do anything about it. I had fallen into a very deep and dark depression including suicidal thoughts. Presumably nothing as deep as what I've read about with MLC sufferers but it scared the crap out of me. One of my fears was that none of my appetites including my libido would ever come back. I was deep in a fog, lost and confused and jumping at every shadow.

It's now 6 months+ after BD2 and I am only now slowly getting back my passion for things. The libido - no way to tell for sure but it certainly doesn't fire me up the way that it used to.

What I'm trying to say / suggest is to perhaps instead of looking at this as a sex issue and that he's not seeing that part of "your package", to look at it as a "passion" issue within him. Think perhaps of what else your H used to be passionate about be it butterflies or searching for ambergris. Perhaps if you can support him in being passionate about other parts of his life, perhaps his other passions will also start up. For me, I'm getting a renewed interest in food and in current events - not quite to the "passion" level but I can feel myself becoming more alive as that "broken bit" that happened on BD2 is I hope slowly reconnecting. It does appear to be reconnecting in a different shape for me though so what worked in the past for him might not work now.

Hope this helps. Sending you good thoughts from the other side of the planet and the gender wall.