Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

She has to see her H acting from a place of inner strength; manliness; confidence; and the leader and head in his own household. She has to see that he will not tolerate her b.s. He won't be manipulated, bullied, etc. Yes, it initially makes her furious......but inwardly, the disrespect begins to die and be replaced with new seeds of respect for this strong male standing before her. And b/c a woman has to respect her H before she can feel attracted to him......those feelings will start to sprout again. Make sense?

It does make alot of sense and I guess I do not have any choice. I did sleep in the MBR saturday night after our halloween party, as we had kids staying over. Party was ok, but i didn't end up running most of the games that I planned, because I felt there weren't enough people. I think she was let down by this, and yes I shouldn't care, but part of me running the party was to show that I could do things and organize events etc. So I felt quite sad that I probably didn't do as well as I should of. People commented on how great decorations etc were, and my wife said that I organized everything and they said like, oh you really must get your husband to coach mine.

There was no hugs/cuddles this weekend again, normally I would ask for one or move over when there hasn't been anything for a week or two, but i didnt do that, and now she isnt coming to me. I don't know if this detaching is working, as it does seem to be pushing her away more. I know its only been a week since I came on this board.

Possibly you are right that she will start to notice more and become curious. She was moody when I got back from work, probably because she was tired. I slept in Home theatre, but got up around 4am to toilet. When I was going back to Home Theatre, she came out of the bedroom and said, "what are you doing making noise?" I said, "I went to the toilet. She said stop banging about you idiot!". I decided to go and sleep in the MBR now I knew she was awake, but I couldn't settle for a few minutes and decided to leave again, she said "Dont come in here again!", "I said don't worry I won't!". Anyway, back to me coming back from work, she said "Do you want your food now?" in a angry way, I said "Yes!", then I asked her which one is it ? She said, "It obvious isnt it!". I said, "well you might be eating too!", she went on to say "Well you have more food so its obvious which one is yours". I said "You know, the amount of energy you expended there to explain why I should have known which food was mine, you could have saved all that and pointed and said that one!." She mumbled something, but left it. I then said I had fixed her watch, which she asked me to do a week ago, guess I should not have fixed it? Anyway she was happy had done it and said thank you.

She went to bed early and I stayed away from her all evening, catching up on some finance stuff.

Detaching is a mindset, IMHO. She should see you as if you are distracted by something other than her. And yes, she can tell when you are looking for a reaction.....or temp checking her. As counterintuitive as it seems, when she sees she is not the center of your every waking minute......it causes her to focus a little bit on you. She's curious, and may temp check you, in order to assure herself that you are firmly attached to her.

Its a very difficult mindset for me, as it is so counterinituitive. As a definite Nice Guy and pursuer, to detach is against my normal nature and it makes no sense (in my normal mindset) that this would cause her to move closer to me. Certainly it looks like its having the opposite effect at the moment.

Here's the thing with a lot of WW's, okay? She may think she no longer wants to be your wife.......but she still wants you to be available to her, and she wants to continue receiving the benefits, without the commitment or responsibility from her.

Again, she doesn't have to be in an A to qualify as wayward. It's what's in her heart. If she no longer respects you as a man/husband, it will show in some way. If you have a record of caving to everything she wants, and allow her to pretty much run the show in the home & the MR.......and if you have the NGS......she may want to keep you for her BFF. She can have several friends, but only one can be her H. You need to stabilize your position as the H, first.

Yes this is exactly where we would seem to be at the moment. She does still use me as a friend, a person to help around the house etc and sometimes for company to watch TV or something like that. She seems to be stuck in wanting to leave, waiting for me to announce the separation, and just trying to get on with life ignoring what is happening.

So the only way I can go forward is to detach and stick up for myself. This will kill or cure of marriage. But I don't want to be doing this another year down the road. I just don't know if you can ever resolve this, as if she did decide to commit, it is only going to take her being depressed again that she may threaten to leave again.