Esame - Thank you, thank you, hugs and support go a long long way.
bttrfly -
Originally Posted By: bttrfly
he's overthinking and trying too hard. that's my first hit.
I agree. My thought is that he is expecting to feel everything too soon. It took time to break the relationship so it will take time to fix it.
sotto -
Originally Posted By: sotto
It may be worth you both just coasting along and allowing a little time for settling in before making any big decisions - perhaps a few months just to release the pressure and enjoy the nice things about being together.
Ideally I would like this, but h does not. He feels that the longer he leaves it the harder it will be to leave me if things should not sort themselves out. He feels that he would end up staying with me out of guilt and neither of us getting the relationship we deserve. I am not pushing this r or r talk with him. If there is one thing I have taken away from all of this, it is that you cannot control what anyone else feels, says or does, he will do what is right for him at the end of the day.
kml -
Originally Posted By: kml
First of all - I think this counselor is stupid. Really. "Oh, you just fell out of love, too bad". Nonsense! People in marriages fall in and out of love all the time, and it's pretty clear in your H's case that it's his DEPRESSION that is the problem!!!
Totally agree, if this is really the case. I do wonder if h has taken the bits he wanted to hear from her and disregarded the rest tho'.
Originally Posted By: kml
s for sex - all I can think of is the Nike slogan - "Just do it". Seriously, I think all this waiting around for him to feel like it's perfect is BS. Sometimes you just don't feel like doing it until you get started. Also, as an older man, his libido is starting to wane; just because he got a stiffy from the NOVELTY of a new person doesn't mean that the new person is better or that he's not in love with you. It just means that novelty can help an older man with flagging sexual function get an erection for a while.
Ha ha, thanks for the advice. Already tried that tact ...twice ...and did not go well either time. First time I got a half hearted reaction from him and that left me feeling horrible, and the second time we were messing around and I ended up naked on top of him and I got no physical reaction at all, so when I initiated more, he pushed me off and said "no, sorry" and got up. I was left feeling rejected and embarrassed. Since then I have stayed firmly in friend zone where sex is concerned.
Originally Posted By: kml
As for you Lou - he's too sure of you. When he thought he might lose you he came back; once he came back and you were willing to turn your whole life topsy turvy for him, he started to lose interest. You need to make decisions for YOU. If he comes along, fine - if he doesn't, good riddance!
I know. But as job says, do something to see if it works, if it doesn't dont do it again. I took a gamble and it dod not pay off, I am still glad I took the gamble as it may ....just a small chance ...have worked out ok. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, so maybe my mistakes will help someone else out who is heading towards my situation.
I have taken on board what everyone has said. I have started my job hunt and hopefully something will come along soon. If the worst comes to the worst and I am not successful within the next month then I know I can go back to my old work place, but that is desperate measures. I am looking for a car to help me be more independent and get me to interviews etc. Once I have a job I can start to look for a flat. I have also started meeting up with my g/friends more, and told friends I am still around (something I held off doing, a mix of embarrassment at things not going so well, and sadness). I know I need to get some security and stability back in to my life, if he wants to come along with me then great, otherwise at least I will be in a better position if he chooses not too.
Bea - H says that the thing that is missing is the sexual attraction. He says he sees me a physically attractive, like he does other people in general, but the spark, the feeling of wanting to kiss, touch, be touched by and have sex with , is not there for him, he feels nothing. He used to have it for me, right up to just before BD, but then it went away. He met her, it was off the scale for her when they met, then it fizzled out as the relationship sunk to doom. He then thought that the lack of sexual desire for me was because of the guilt he felt and that once he dealt with that then everything would be back to how he used to feel. He worked with his therapist and got to the point where he realised I am it for him, forever. But it turns out that what he thought he would feel about me once we were together full time, is not there and it worries him that he is no longer attracted to me, that he has changed too much, that his taste in women has changed and am now not "the full package"
Gwen - hi g/friend. Thank you so much. xoxo
Nothing else to add. H is at counselling atm giving me a chance to pop into here for a sneaky update. Who knows what he will come out with next, but one thing is for sure, I know from this being round 2, that I will be ok. It won't be great, but I will keep on breathing and I will get through the pain of it all.
