Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Well.....one of them seems to need a little adjustment, but......

Hi Sunny! What else is new

It seems you are determinedly holding on to a narrow view of women and projecting it onto all of us. Even though you suspect we might not all fit into the same mold, it's just easier to classify us in a group that supports your position.

I don't know Sunny. First off, I wasn't singling out women, I include men in the mix, I'm just not interested in men from a marriage perspective. Secondly, I'm not suggesting everyone fits this mold, but I am saying it's frighteningly common in today's world.

Ginger just referenced this in her last thread, mentioned her cousin's BD of some type.

Juju talks about the same fear in her thread on newcomers, about how she's gravely concerned a man just won't stick around through the hard times.

Just yesterday my dad told me that a long time friend of his is getting divorced. Been together since '68, their names in my mind are like ham and eggs. But no more.

It's tough to sort through, because there are feelings and there are facts. My feelings are that I am averse to relationships, so part of me wants to look and say to myself "you need to grow through your insecurities and take a chance", but the facts are the facts, and the fact is that I just don't see any promise in a relationship. It's not paranoia if they really are out to get you, right?

It also feels to me that you feel the need to repeat your position to us, and I worry that by doing so we in someway support you to maintain the neutral pathways to go over the same ground, which only allows you to remain attached to your thoughts and feelings about your position on love, relationships and women.

Thanks JB. Maybe this is so. I'm not deliberately trying to bicker. As I mentioned above I'm trying to sort through these things. Part of me is trying to accept some tough realities about the world we live in, and I post to get and give support to others dealing with those same losses. In some ways running through this again and again in my mind does help me to process this and be new to different ideas. After BD the constant spinning my wheels was a needed stage to be able to accept and let go. And I am always absorbing new ideas from you all, even if it doesn't translate to me changing overnight.

Am I really a Universe away from you?

Thank you JB. I appreciate you being there.

I don't really know why I feel the way I do.

Sometimes I think there is something very, very big just under the surface of me that I'm not even aware of. There are flashes that come through once in a while, almost like having dreams about a memory you repress...and I just wonder if I have walled away monumental amounts of feelings of inadequacy. Like I'm sitting on a volcano that's about to erupt and I don't even notice anymore. Most of the time I just assume this is normal, but then there are a few things that I observe about myself, ways that I don't work the same as other people. Such as how distant I feel from others, which my IC has lead me to believe was because I was so distant from myself, and may still be. Such as the fact that I am so sensitive to criticism. Such as my persistent nagging belief that only a woman with serious problems would put up with me because I am so defective. Such as my social alienation, where I can function and get along with people all day long just fine, but yet I feel like it's all happening outside of me and nothing really gets close.

Maybe it has to do with feeling undeserving. My IC talked to me about this at length. My biggest battle with pool is accepting the gifts I've been given. He asked me before I played the US Open one year if I'd be able to accept winning if the opportunity arose. It was hard for me to picture, because I just didn't feel I was good enough. He kept challenging me on this for many sessions. So in many ways I don't know that I feel deserving of a woman's love. Like whatever desirability other men think they have, I wasn't there that day God was passing it out.

In my head I know that I have the same inherent value as everyone else. And day to day I FEEL fine. I really do. I'm not looking for reassurances. This is more about me dealing with myself. But it could be this is part of why I feel disconnected. And it could be this is why I am so averse to a relationship. I am simply not in a spot to where I want to be villainized and rejected, or even told how a man 'should be'. So when everywhere I look I see relationships ending and women talking about how glad they're not with their ex anymore, it just really cements me wanting to stay the heck away.

The reason I talk about connecting with my kids is because it's an example of a time in my life when this barrier was breached. If nothing else at least that was possible. But maybe that was easier, because they are 'safer' somehow, because they love and appreciate me and need me. Don't worry, I'm ready to handle them when they turn 13 Point is, something shifted a couple of years ago, so it's possible this could happen again. I'm not sure I can force that though, it might just have to happen if it happens.

What's my point? I'm not sure. I don't know if this is something that will 'shift' at some point, and I'll go to EE or have some big breakthrough someday, and then everything will be different...or if this is who I am, and just part of being human, and I just have to manage through it the way everyone else does.

On a lighter note, everything's just fine today. It's been a good day and I'm enjoying it. Life is good. This isn't some problem I need to solve that's making me miserable. It's just something I am continuing to mull over. But day to day I've truly never been happier, healthier, and more content. And you guys have been a tone of help as I've come here, so thank you all very much. I do appreciate all of you for being here. JB, I'll watch the video soon. Thanks again.