A WW? (5)

[mulesqb]

Mules, I'm highly concerned that W is influencing D in regards to me. Even if it's not outright vocal manipulation, I believe my Ws overreactions are having an impact on how D views me. I'm thinking you may be right in my telling her to please stop managing my relationship with my D. At this point I have no need for her help in building or maintaining that relationship. Thank you for highlighting this, bc I hadn't realized I still was viewing W as an ally on that. I don't think W deserves to be involved there based on recent actions, unfortunately.

On the part about me confronting W about her making promises on my behalf, I knew it was a mistake when I did it. It was bouncing around in my brain for a while during the conversation bc W brought it up multiple times. Unsure why I finally put it out there bc I really didn't want to and I knew it would do nothing to help. Only thing I can chalk it up to is me not managing my end of the dialogue fully and bad judgement. A learning moment, and a realization that I need to be fully engaged in controlling my reactions with my W at all times. I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth....ughhh...

Mules, your takeaways are precisely what I need. I don't believe there's anything else to gain from detailed discussion with her. The tidbits I get are small windows into her thinking, but I wonder if having those is worth the pain to get them. Very convinced that D is unavoidable at this point. If that's the case then it doesn'tmatter.

What does matter is protecting my D. Others have suggested counseling for my D. W is adamantly against it. I've pushed but haven't forced the issue. W meets with co-parent counselor this week. Our combined session will follow that. I'll lever that to plan for us telling our D and for getting W to agree to put D in counseling. I want W to at worst be neutral about it bc I worry the counseling won't help if W pushes against it.

Strength and honor are my goal mules. Honor to me is standing for what is right and making the right decisions, for the right reasons, regardless of the cost with my W.

Hi lt,

Please don't beat yourself up over these things. I think you are a good man and doing a great job. I always felt the hardest part of DBing was being the moment and know the right DB response. I was terrible at it. It's much easier on this side reading about your interactions and then trying to help.

The way I improved was to try and anticipate situations and how I would respond. That was far a long in the process for me and probably way too late.

I know you feel like this going the D route. But honestly, I think the biggest thing that needs to happen is true separation for you guys. You're just around each other too much, you interact too much and engage too much.

I am concerned about your W's interactions with your D. That is not a sound woman. She should not be spewing about you in front of her. She should be shielding your D from whatever she can. That is parenting 101. And that is where I can definitely speak from experience as my fiancee has 3 boys and I have 3 boys.We all live together. Her boys were completely shielded from her sitch and mine were not. There is a HUGE difference in their self confidence, self worth, anxiety. Kids shouldn't be drawn into a Divorce/Sep. I hate when I hear people say they are resilient. That is the biggest BS I have ever heard. I truly think they internalize their feelings. And when they finally come to terms with their feelings, it is not pretty. Your W is causing serious damage to your D but is too selfish to care. I know some here have recommended therapy for your D and i can't agree more. I took one of my boys to therapy every week for 6 years. Things came out of him that I could have never imagined.

I love what you said about Strength and Honor. Use it to your advantage. I used to whisper those words to myself all the time. It helped me get through some incredible situations.

And as always, keep being yourself. And keep improving yourself. Do it for you and do it for your D.

You can handle this lt. But you need to start making some changes. I hope you agree.

Strength and Honor.

Mules