Don't know where I belong.....

[twinmom]

I know I don't belong in the MLC area but the other ones get so little traffic and I could really use some advice...

Backstory,
About 2.5yrs ago I came here because my husband had walked out on me. I was 6 months pregnant with our third child and he had met someone else and moved in with her in a matter of two weeks. A LOT of bad things happened, he said things about me that were horrible and treated me and my older boys (from my first marriage) badly. This was his second affair during our short marriage. I also found out that our relationship started as an affair! I had no clue, and that he had cheated on his first wife (together 14 yrs) more than once. The OW kicked him out after 3 months due to him flirting with ANOTHER person via text. This happened two days after our third child was born and so he moved back in with me. Three months of he## followed where my husband lived on my couch, randomly ahowed me signs of love/affection/intimacy but cried & begged OW to take him back. I finally had enough and kicked him out.
Raising five kids on my own scared me but I was done watching him cry over the OW. After just a few short weeks he "decided" he wanted our family and asked to come home. We tried a few therapists but none of them supported our efforts to try and make it work. Everytime I talked to a new therapist and explained the backstory they would encourage me to leave.
Fast forward a year later and I found out he was having another emotional affair and sexting prostitutes. Even going to far as to pay for oral sex twice. I said I was done but he couldn't leave. I told him I wasn't raising five kids on my own, especially since our youngest was born with a rare genetic condition that requires a LOT of work to keep her alive... (She has Glycogen Storage Disease type 1A)

It's been almost 9 months since the sexting/prostitute stuff and I am stuck. I'm miserable, my husband desperately wants to make our family work and I just don't have the same feelings for him. From the outside our marriage looks perfect, I am close to some moms from our twins preschool and up until a month ago they had NO CLUE about any of our history. I opened up to two of them and they were SHOCKED, saying we looked like the perfect family.

We don't really fight. My husband is very conflict avoidant and I just get sad, not really angry. There are so many days I feel like I'm reliving the he## all over again. Something small triggers the emotion and I spiral out of control emotionally reliving ALL the pain.