Thank you bttrfly, it's a great reminder for me to keep reviewing this. --------------
For thone who have difficulty finding the list here it is, know I am going on EE to put my action plan together.
am in a pensive mood
Reflecting on what is different now than it was when I first arrived.
What is that makes an adult an adult?
What do I see in those that have had shift compared to those who have merely adapted or changed such that they can repattern. What is it that some here achieve and others miss.
What makes the LBS who has successfully DB different from the wayward?
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Know emotions, feel them, and observe
I think I couldn't tell the difference between some of my feelings. I confused anger with disgust for instance. And some things I labelled as feelings were either thoughts states or behaviours. For instance I feel uncomfortable is a state. As is I feel cold. I feel hungry. Etc I feel put down or disrespected is a thought. I feel like getting a coffee or going for a run is a behaviour.
When I had a feeling then I often let it drive my behaviour. Instead of observing I acted on the emotion. Although intellectually I knew that feelings could be observed I didn't regulate. I acted too much, especially out of fear.
Now I consider before I act and it's much better. I know longer knee jerk all the time.
That's shift because I know how to regulate and observe. I am happy about this change.
I am still stuck expressing anger, it's the one emotion I don't have in my repertoire.
I have noticed that waywards can't regulate in this way. XWH used to say I was 'cool' emotionally and it's possible that I didn't identify the feelings I had and express it. Fair point.
The emotional level is appropriate for the situation, sad that your dog died more than you broke a cup. Anger that a major boundary was breached and not because your spouse knocked over the milk. I noticed xWH anger could be inappropriate directed or at a wrong level for the breach. -------------------------------------- Expectations of others
I had very few expectations of others, few boundaries of my own. I failed to hold others to their obligations and commitments.
I kept on giving even when it was inappropriate to do so and not in my own best interest. I have a realisation but no shift.
Waywards have entitlements, so many of them, to time, assets, resources, fins. They believe they are allowed their cake and eat it.
Lack of consequences.
This one is tough for me and there is very little shift.
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Know who I am
I have goals, dreams and ambitions. I know those and they can change. I can let them.
I can let go of things I don't need and treasure what I do. I can detach and evaluate.
Yes shift, I know me and I like me. Quite a bit now.
I want the best for me and I am taking extreme care of me.
I am precious to me and this will come first above all.
I am resolving my fins too.
I am getting to the point where I am able to tell others who I am and show it without feeling ashamed. I no longer make excuses when I don't want to do something. I say no. I have my view and am open to it being changed. What others think of me is their concern.
This is big shift.
I have noticed that waywards and abusers adapt to gaslight and hide who they are to hook and mislead. This means they must be ever vigilant and on guard. They often are so inconsistent we don't know them. How often have I said I love who I thought xWH was. Actually I have no clue who he really was and I doubt he does either. I truly am detached that's his concern as is what he thinks of me. XWH had no goals or dreams, his whole self was hooked on his compulsions and keeping these going. They drove him and probably still do. Not my circus not my monkeys. ---------------------------------------- Self worth
Extreme self care, looking after my interests. Being self centred not selfish. I have the capacity
Waywards are selfish even against their own longer term self interest. Impulsive and immediate.
I evaluate my sitch and balance outcomes, looking for win win solutions. Compromising and negotiating to achieve better results. I decide to be impulsive as a positive decision.
----------------------------------------- Manage my bad times and PTSD
I just used to struggle alone and had no tools to deal with being abused. Or the PTSD and it got worse.
I have researched and learned about abuse so that I can self soothe. I manage the episodes using CBT, DBT and NLP.
I study counselling so I can counsel others and understand a little of the dynamics of R. Mainly it's helped me.
Learning about errors in thinking was a milestone for me.
I think waywards abusers and compulsives medicate often using alcohol, drugs and affairs. There seems to be low tolerance for bad times.
This was a shift.
--------------------------------- Carry things through
I have always been responsible, caring for others. Doing too much to meet commitments. Some of which were illusionary.
I am having to learn to let some commitments go and explaining to others why. Some things are beyond me and so I say no. It's better to say no up front than give away my power and struggle to complete.
This way I have time to rest.
I honour fewer commitments now.
Big shift.
I noticed that xWH and other waywards drop commitments if they are inconvient for them even saying they didn't make them in the first place. There is no conscience on it at all.
I try to resolve than feel guilty about what I do.
Shift
---------------------------------- Resolve my childhood issues
I looked at things I didn't even know were an influence, studied ACES in childhood. I continue.
Let's just say this was the knowledge phase of shift. An on going project for me.
I doubt if waywards compulsives and those with personality issues resolve their issues.
No shift yet.
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Creativity and solving problems focused on my stuff and others if they ask
I can see more solutions and can ask others to help. I am learning more and more about things I didn't even know I needed to know.
I can tolerate dissonance whilst waiting. I am no longer quite so dogmatic and I can apologise to others when I get it wrong and look for better more creative solutions.
Shift.
I am no longer focused on finding solutions in R,instead I am working on me to get to be a better boss, friend, neighbour, sister and ultimately partner. I no longer focus on xWH, it's directed towards me.
When I am where I want to be then I can stop.
I want to get myself to the point this is no longer a limiting factor.
No thoughts about waywards on this one.
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I can be alone if I need to be
I don't need another. I prefer the company of others and I have the widest variety.
If a partner shows he does. If not that's ok. I have a full life.
I think waywards, compulsive and abusers have to have another to have resources. They won't want alone.
I can wait until I get that which I need in life. To be with someone who values me, who is free to be with me.
Pretty much has always been this way.
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I know me and kinda like me, I listen to my higher power
For who I am not what I do.
I think waywards compulsives and abusers don't know themselves. They may well value themselves and others on what they do.
I will value me and what others think of me is their concern. I will be me, who I am and who I want to be.
I try to be open and honest. 12 steps has been my go to.
I listen to my higher power, in fact that higher power connects all the time. I didn't listen before.
Shift.
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Those are my thoughts on what it takes to be mature.
Now to devise an action plan on this.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
