Maybe She Isn't Evil

[RDS]

This morning I was getting rid of a lot of stuff today to take to the county recycling center later this week. I can’t believe how many wine glasses, cocktail tumblers, and shot glasses we had (among other things). I guess when you have as much storage space as we did it and the amount of entertainment we used to do there was bound to be a glut of stuff like that. I am disposing about 95% of the glass things and keeping the bare minimum.

After a few hours of cleaning out my kitchen cabinets and some items in the attic, I decided I needed to go for a quick run. I have not done any running since I sold my treadmill. I was one of the few people on the planet who enjoyed running on a treadmill. I didn’t think it was boring. Sadly, I’ve been gaining weight the last couple of months and I’m beginning to get disgusted by what I’m becoming.

Anyway, as I was leaving I noticed my W had come by and dropped off another care package for me. It was by the front door. I had been going in and out of the house through the garage so I didn’t notice the package until I went for my run. I immediately called my W to thank her for the items. I am touched when she does these things for me. When we were together she did these things for me all the time and I rarely acknowledged it because it was something she did and I had become accustomed to it, and in later years I was angry at her (and the world) to let her know I appreciated what she did for me. I am no longer taking what she does for me for granted.

I asked her when she dropped the stuff off. She replied she did it at 4 AM this morning. She is an early riser, even on weekends, but even for her 4 AM is early. I asked why she did it so early in the morning and she said her(our) dog woke her up and she couldn’t go back to sleep because she has so much on her mind lately. She said she hasn’t been able to think straight the last couple of weeks. I didn’t press her but I asked her if her problems were with her job or her family/friends. She said it wasn’t her job or her friends. She said there was so much stuff going through her mind. It was almost as if she was probing me to go deeper into her thoughts. I didn’t press more because I didn’t want her emotional door to shut, but the inside of me wanted to keep digging to see what it was. In my mind, I must think she is thinking about us and our future and maybe she is getting conflicted. From what I’ve read and what my DB coach has said this would happen. I should ride out the string of emotions she might come up with and validate and much as possible if she lashes out.

I get the feeling she is not as happy with my new place I’m moving to as I am because I’m moving further away from her. She did comment she wouldn’t be able to drop off care packages like she has been doing, but in the same breath she did say she is going to help me move to make it easier on me.

I don’t understand this woman. Why is she being so caring towards me? I keep thinking to myself if the shoe was on the other foot would I want to be as nice and accommodating as she is towards me? I run it through my mind if I left her and told her ILYBNILWY I would probably want to run and stay away as much as possible. I am so afraid I am being played by her.

One good thing about our conversation is I walked over 5 miles through the neighborhood while talking to her. I planned to run 2 miles but when I called her I just walked my route. My legs are lead right now. It proves to me how bad out of shape I’ve become. I used to run the 5 miles easily and now just walking as worn me out. I did tell her our conversation was better than listening to music. She thought that was funny.