Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[PsySara]

Quick check in while the kids are eating breakfast and WH is still asleep. WH will allow complete access to his phone and email. However since he previously got a burner phone I know this only gives me a false sense of security. His behavior is that of a WS in withdrawal. I think since he's moved here he realizes there is no going back to AP. (mind reading, I know) There aren't any times unaccounted for, he isn't sneaking away but there are plenty of times where he could easily make the time. My gut is telling me there is no one else. Rather the walk-away part is dominate.

Yesterday we took the kids to a Fall festival. We went for a hayride, ate carnival food, kids played in a corn pool, other games and rides. They had a GREAT time. Most of the time WH was quiet and pensive, I kept things on a low key with him and just enjoyed the kid's pleasure. On the way home WH complimented me on the choice of fair and quietly asked if we could talk about us. The kids were all asleep in their car seats so I agreed.

He asked if I felt our relationship was salvageable. I told him I was unsure. He then went on to say he felt it was unfair that I would "settle" for him. He said he cheated and now felt only care and obligation towards me but no real "romantic love." I have heard this so often that it didn't even sting this time. He said he was willing to hang around and see what might happen but worries I will look back and feel I wasted years on him. I told him I was simply taking it one day at a time. I was frank (but gentle) and told him I change my mind 7 times a day whether or not to fight for this marriage. (we both chuckled at this, he goes through the same struggle) The convo was quiet and non-confrontational, I feel we both felt heard.

I go to IC this week with a Gottman certified therapist. I also plan to check in with my DB coach. I may also try to squeeze in time for a re-read of DR. I soldier on.