A WW? (5)

[lt0402]

Sandi, always feel free to spew about spewing around here! It's my nemesis and I could use the support against it!

So, it's strange. In these extended conversations I find if I validate I'll eventually get to tidbits of useful information from my W. When I say validating, it's pretty much nodding, listening, repeating some of the relevant things, and asking questions sparingly. When it's uncontrolled spew about me I either warn her that I won't hang around for it, or I leave and say we can discuss when she's more controlled. That one really gets her riled up, but it does calm her down typically and she becomes more docile. I'm not great at staying out of the fray, i.e. Me coming back into the conversation with her, but I think I'm building some skills that will be useful. Hell, if I can validate in these conditions, I figure it's got to be a breeze in the years to come. I even had a female colleague tell me how much she appreciated me listening to her and allowing her to vent during my trip. That's a first for me.

I suspected, after the fact, that my W was waiting to pounce on me for not doing he meds on time. She came down and made a big show of slamming cups and drawers and stuff. Ignored it, but unsure if I should have addressed it or not. My W says my D doesn't trust me as her parent. I don't believe that, but if there's any truth to it then these little W freak outs are one of the larger causes. Still trying to figure out the best way to address it. It's teenager behavior, and I'd think that typically that behavior would be ignored. Open to thoughts.

My W has stopped the disrespect, for the most part, in front of my D. Every now and then there's a comment dropped by W that's backhanded, but nothing like the start of this thing. The most recent one was my D saying to my W that they should "pants" me (Wierd sense of humor in my house, think it was on some tv show). W said "nobody would want to see that". I let it go, but compared to the start of this where she would tell D "Daddy is an idiot" in a "joking" way, it's much more tame.

I think you are spot on that I'm in her crosshairs at all times. One if her biggest complaints was that I couldn't take care of my D. I've come to realize that, to her, meant I couldn't follow the meticulous, and somewhat unnecessary routine she had formulated. I know from recent experience that I'm more than capable of caring for D and that we have a lot more fun and less stress without that routine. I'm coming to believe that W hits me so hard on "not being able to follow the routine" bc it helps her keep me "incompetent" in her brain and continue her stance on S. I'm also coming to realize that the routine does not benefit my D. It only benefits W in her alleviation of her own anxiety, stemming from her anger and OCD issues. D and I have been living with routines for years, solely to placate W not having to address and work through her issues. Sad it took me this long to realize it.

At this point, I'm convinced we are going to divorce. I'd like to work this out, but there's no chance we can without my W doing a major overhaul of herself. I still have work to do on me, but at least I'm taking steps forward. I think W has a fear of seeing and addressing her own issues, whatever they may be. I think that dooms any hope for R at this point.

The only thing, throughout all of this that's changed my Ws behavior was when we had our blowup after she went to see OM the second time. I've never raised my voice at my W and I think the amount of anger in me surprised her. For a week after that she was a different person. Well kept, docile, and soft spoken to me. But I can't live my life in anger like that. That's not me and I'd be miserable. I shouldn't have to be that. I will always take pride in the fact that, even in that heated 30 minutes, I've never called my W any of the horrible things she's called me. I've never been degrading or insulting towards my W. Again, that's not me and I refuse to stoop to her level there. I'm realizing there are times to be firm and stand up for D and I. I'm getting better at picking those moments, but I still need work. I'll continue to build upon that going forward. You are spot on about there being times for each different approach. I'm still not great at that, but I'm getting there!

Mules, I'm highly concerned that W is influencing D in regards to me. Even if it's not outright vocal manipulation, I believe my Ws overreactions are having an impact on how D views me. I'm thinking you may be right in my telling her to please stop managing my relationship with my D. At this point I have no need for her help in building or maintaining that relationship. Thank you for highlighting this, bc I hadn't realized I still was viewing W as an ally on that. I don't think W deserves to be involved there based on recent actions, unfortunately.

On the part about me confronting W about her making promises on my behalf, I knew it was a mistake when I did it. It was bouncing around in my brain for a while during the conversation bc W brought it up multiple times. Unsure why I finally put it out there bc I really didn't want to and I knew it would do nothing to help. Only thing I can chalk it up to is me not managing my end of the dialogue fully and bad judgement. A learning moment, and a realization that I need to be fully engaged in controlling my reactions with my W at all times. I regretted it as soon as it left my mouth....ughhh...

Mules, your takeaways are precisely what I need. I don't believe there's anything else to gain from detailed discussion with her. The tidbits I get are small windows into her thinking, but I wonder if having those is worth the pain to get them. Very convinced that D is unavoidable at this point. If that's the case then it doesn'tmatter.

What does matter is protecting my D. Others have suggested counseling for my D. W is adamantly against it. I've pushed but haven't forced the issue. W meets with co-parent counselor this week. Our combined session will follow that. I'll lever that to plan for us telling our D and for getting W to agree to put D in counseling. I want W to at worst be neutral about it bc I worry the counseling won't help if W pushes against it.

Strength and honor are my goal mules. Honor to me is standing for what is right and making the right decisions, for the right reasons, regardless of the cost with my W.

JR, appreciate your thoughts and support brother! It's very tiring, but my D is my strength and what keeps me grinding. I need to show her a strong, yet compassionate person. I'm not there yet, but I'm getting there.

FG, I'm not sure if she'll ever be better. She really has work to do on herself if she ever wants to be at peace. It's sad, bc I've never wanted her to feel this way and I am unable to fix it for her. Her journey. Unfortunately, my D and I are forced to ride shotgun for a bit down the bumpy part of her path.

I offered that 2-2-3 is an option and she told me there's 0% chance she'd uproot D during the school week. I then offered for D to be with me during the week and W could do what she was proposing I'd do. She was livid at that thought. Again, I think she eliminates everything that doesn't suit her mind of the future. Very concerned how the custody piece shakes out with W unwilling to budge.

It's tough, but not any tougher than everyone else around here's situations. We all just have slight nuances of similar things. We all suffer, but I couldn't think of better people than all of you to be in the company of during this. Without y'all I don't know that I'd of had the strength to be this balanced through everything.

Know that I appreciate each and everyone of you! Now back to the grind!