Leaving Castle Caladan

[Zues126]

Time for a new thread. I don't know that I have much clarity right now, but maybe that's the best time to post. Painter, Sunny, V, Maybell, I appreciate the replies.

I'm going to stray a bit from things I believe, and talk more about how I feel. I want to make it clear, my feelings aren't intended to criticize others. If, for example, I say I'm put off by something, that isn't to say that others are doing something wrong. I am merely sorting through what I feel, trying to understand why, and pondering whether these are things that can change, or things I need to accept.

First of all this is still relatively new for me. Most of my life I didn't care about how I felt, and I didn't think about it. My feelings were background noise that needed to be tuned out as I focused on driving forward. Somewhere many years ago I decided that feelings weren't good for me, and that when I remained laser focused on a target the passage of time didn't hurt me as much. Some people might think that's 'unhealthy', but not everyone has been dealt the same hand. Those for whom the passage of time itself is painful can understand the gift that it is to find a way to manage through that pain and find not just relief, but feelings of sublime peacefulness. This is what pool has been for me in my life.

When I was younger I always craved companionship. I never, ever thought someone could bridge the gap between the rest of the world and me. I was far out there. And the longer I went on my own journey, the further away I felt. I have also never asked a girl out or pursued a woman. Women are a universe away from me. It's not fear of rejection, it's more futility at trying to bridge this difference.

Both women in my life approached me. When they did I thought that maybe they saw what it was about me that makes me special. Now I understand they didn't, or in any case that it's not very important. What's more important is the day to day dynamic of behavior and how they feel as a result. I didn't understand how to make that dance work, or they didn't appreciate the dance I had in me. They both left.

Now I find myself living in a lifestyle that I hesitate to accept. We live in a materialistic world that I find distasteful, yet I, too, want nice things. I'd like a place with room for a pool table so I can find my solace after a day's work, I'd like a place with rooms for my children so they don't all share one bedroom, I'd like a car with less than 150K on it and maybe even one with a port to my iphone so I can play my music as I trek up and down the territory I cover.

I am torn between the road I went down when I was younger, blocking everything out, pursuing greatness in one rather pointless endeavor, not because it matters, but because I found a deep joy in going to bed every night exhausted, knowing I bled that day. But on the other hand I want to be there for my kids, to celebrate our time together. For many years I watched them grow up from behind what felt like a glass dome, and in the last couple of years I've found a way to connect with them. I'm not going to let that go. And I'm torn between wanting to make sure they have time to play, time to watch TV, and for them to have birthday presents, and wanting them to know what it means to be hungry, to be without, to need to struggle. I took them to the Queen of Katwe today, the story of the young girl who grew up in the slums of an African village, struggling for survival, and how she used chess to eventually transcend her upbringing. I want them to appreciate what they have without having to go without. So I won't block myself away, I will continue to let them share my life, until they go their own way. And that means that I won't succumb to the part of me that wants to retreat entirely within myself again, to give myself entirely to pursuit and struggle. And at times it is hard for me to allow myself to relax, to take leisure.

The same way, I am turned off with our entitlement. Both men's and women's. It's our humanity maybe. Maybe it's our culture. But I don't look at relationships the way other people do. I'm not sure I can even explain the difference. For me opening myself up to a woman is not something that I want to 'try out' with a number of women, looking for someone that I believe is a match, or turning them away until I find someone that fits my preconceptions of what I need. In the past I thought the way it would work was ONE woman, for better or worse, finding ways through inevitable differences, and finding ways to appreciate what we had. Because whatever those differences were, we'd have the miracle of a relationship that lasted, of a connection between us in a universe I didn't even know that was possible. But that didn't work, because apparently I was the only one that saw that as a miracle. Other people seemed to take that for granted, and were more focused on whether they liked the same restaurants or whatever. Because maybe for them that wasn't a miracle.

Who's the crazy one? It certainly doesn't work that way. It might if other people felt the way I do. But whether I'm crazy or not, whether I'm right or wrong, there is no question I am in the minority. This isn't how other people work. And maybe it's not how I work either. Just like I am a minimalist in my heart, yet long for a pool table, I longed for a committed relationship that wasn't based on 'what my partner does for me' or 'how they make me feel', but rather a celebration of the fact that we've been given a partner at all- yet I still wanted things from my partner and struggled to remain appreciative instead of resentful when it got difficult.

In any case, how I feel is repelled by relationships. Like two magnets turned so they create more resistance as they get closer. I saw XW today with her BF, I had to pick something up for one of my daughters. She made a point to let them know she was dressed up because she was going to a Halloween Party. I felt like she was talking to me, call it a gut feeling, sometimes she makes a point of talking to me indirectly in the guise of talking to the kids. I felt she was trying to hurt me and show me how she is better off now. But all I could see is someone that would leave a marriage with someone that would get in the middle of a marriage, and I just wanted to regain my distance from those people. This is why I tend to be an island.

I was in a spot yesterday where I had a little time talking to a young woman from China. Through conversation I was talking about my kids, and I mentioned I was divorced as it was the easiest way to answer her questions about what I was doing with them this weekend, and some of the follow ups. I didn't go on long about it, but I did tell her that I had joined an online community to stand by my marriage. And that I found it was odd how many marriages end in the United States because someone 'isn't happy'. I brought that up because she had been in China until 6 years ago, and I was curious how that compared to her home country.

She told me that it was a bit different. That women stayed with their men. That men weren't expected to treat the women very well. Many had mistresses and the woman was expected to be ok with that. That the women were expected to remain faithful to their husbands, although she mentioned that these days there were some that were starting to consider leaving.

I told her I felt that things had gone crazygotten strange in the US, that in days past a man that worked hard, took care of his family, didn't drink, cheat, or beat his woman was considered a catch. And now that's not good enough, women are leaving because they 'aren't happy'. She agreed this was crazy. She said that the men here are very nice, much nicer than in her home country. And that she thinks the women here are very entitled. She laughed and said "I like Chinese women and US men". Then she told me I should find a Chinese girl, and I wasn't sure if she was speaking in general terms or testing the waters. I told her I was focusing on my children at the time but that she might be on to something if that door opened for me again.

Do I have a conclusion? Not really. I'm not here to call everyone on these forums entitled or uncommitted anymore than I'm here to call everyone materialistic. We're all humans, and we are products of our environment and culture. We can understand it, and at times rise above it, but so much is still a herd mentality that sometimes it feels all we can do is fine tune, we can't change our basic programming. Not in this lifetime. So I'm making peace with that. And trying to figure out where I fit in.

Right now it's fine. I fit in with my kids. I fit in at the pool hall. And thanks to the graciousness from all of you, I am able to fit in on these forums. And that's good enough.

We started Dune this week. We are going to watch Chessnetwork's (a chess youtuber) coverage of a chess game played by Phiona Mutesi (the girl the movie was based on). And we are going to hang out a bit. After the movie I played in the arcade with them. D5 always wants to play the crane game at Perkins, and I always say no. Today the crane game at the arcade had minion stuffed animals, and she LOVES the minions. So today I got her a bunch of tokens and let her play. She didn't get one, so I'm ordering her one for her birthday in a few weeks. We will eat soon, and then I'll read another chapter of Dune, and watch a bedtime show and watch them goof around. Then I'll do some work, maybe play a game of chess.

My point, DB forums, is that it's all good. I must have made a good choice not to pursue pool, because time doesn't hurt me anymore as the clock ticks. Not often, unless there's a reason. And that's alright. Mid-November I am taking a few days off, my best friend and I are going to go out of state and play some pool. Not a tournament, just trolling for some money games. We'll actually be in Chicago. Looks like my timing is off and Sunny will have already left, but that's ok, unless she was going to Red Shoes Billiards I doubt I'd have run into her anyway.

Thanks for continuing to make me part of this community and wishing you all a wonderful weekend. Can't wait to see the next SNL. I just watched on Youtube "Epic Rap Battles" with Hillary and Trump and it might have been the greatest 4 minutes I've ever seen on video. What will I do once this election is over?