This used to be way easier - and a lot more fun!

[DonH]

Past due for an update. It's been a really rough week. I am really struggling but not sure I'll be able to explain why - it's pretty complicated to the point I even am not positive why. The sum total is sort of like life is passing by while I watch. I am participating but it still in some ways feels like going to an amusement park while sedated. Yeah I'm there, yeah it's fun but it's not the full expierence. Does that make any sense?

Let me try harder, okay on the plus side I celebrated my 7 year sobriety date free from opiates on the 2nd. While that's pretty cool, I totally Forgot until two days later. Not that I'd "celebrate" but still. I've taken a total break from trying to date. Not sure what that's accomplishing. Then I see both Doodler and Ginger having success - which I'm very happy for them, I really am, but then also I'm like seriously? WTF was or am I doing wrong? 10 years later and still? Really?

Then I have a friend I've gotten somewhat close to who has 4 months of opiate sobriety - which for her is an accomplishment. She is married to a friend of mine who has not been the best husband but has put up with a lot in the past three years. So with only four months in, she tells me she has decided to seek a D from her husband - never mind she knows not to make a life decision this soon into sobriety. But that's not all, as she has started an EA/PA with another addict she met in AA, oh but there is more in that her female sponsor had dated him as well! It's the crazy stuff that WW do to the guys here. Not only is this going to effect her family which includes a D8 and S11 but for sure will risk relapse. It's the worst things she can do. I don't think I can stand by her anymore.

Then add to that my work situation is really getting to me. This is very involved and complicated but trust me, it's getting to me. A discussion with the newly hired executive director nearly had me quit. While I am Semi- retired at 53, I can't fully retire. Then add I have a drug conviction from 7 years ago for illegally obtaining opiates and I have to be carefull as some employers don't see any difference in a "crime" due to a medical addiction and a bank robber.

Add them all up and I spent several days on the couch doing nothing. Thankfully I have a band trip this weekend out to Cleveland. I'll be seeing and staying with friends I've not seen for over a year so I hope it's fun. I perform 4 hours but the other 70 will be like a regular weekend getaway - with two married guys and one who met his latest GF on Father's Day.

All I can keep thinking is, damn I wish I had a significant other to talk to. Then again, I've wanted to reach out to V as we never did connect after Doodlers threat (though I did try). I should contact several other friends. I just have no ambition. I'm also wonder how/if taking a break from dating is doing me any good? Or have I just not had a date since July?

While I'm not concerned yet, it is starting to feel a little like the start of depression I had 9 years ago. That really sucked and I don't want that again. I know I need to GAL, I'm just struggling to make it happen. I just keep thinking, crap, I've wasted the last 10 years. I know that's not the truth. I know there would just be different highs and lows. I also know clearly why all those surveys report that people who are married or in an R are happier than those who are single or divorced. I would totally check that box. I so want my life back.

With that I am going to do my best to snap out if it this weekend. Hopefully I'll report I have when I return on Monday.