Budding

[mustardseed]

Mustardseed: I see a lot of places here where you are giving credibility to your ex. He should have appreciated your responsibility for the family resources but he resented it. He didn't share goals with you.

It was abusive of him to tell you that you don't have as many friends as you think you have. It was an attempt to isolate you so you couldn't hear contrary opinions to his. I know this because I lived it with my college boyfriend. I would challenge you to put everything he said (especially when you were fighting) into the manipulative gaslighting category and find out for yourself who your actual friends are.

In my sitch, Mr. Fantastic and I had a couple who were our friends -- they came cross country for my 40th birthday and in fact planned most of the events -- but they were his first. He abandoned them when we split up and they looked like they were loyal to me. But how it worked out was, they're in a place in their life where they want the couple friends, and no drama, and their friendship has fallen off. They aren't siding with him at all, but it isn't sustainable because the way our friendship was structured couldn't survive the death of our marriage.

That is to say, don't try to anticipate whose side anybody is going to be on. If there is someone you care about, give the friendship the opportunity to survive. If it doesn't, then it doesn't. You sound sane and caring. That will show in the people you're willing and able to be vulnerable with. It doesn't have to be a contest. Just be your own self and the quality people will gravitate towards you.

I do want to repeat, though: Break free of your ex's opinions. Fire him from your mental committee -- he doesn't belong there. He didn't say anything that was constructive to you. When you are with people who make you better life will become smoother and easier.

Finally, as a financial professional, I'd really like to encourage you to make saving, even a minimal amount, one of your budget line items, and not something you aim to create out of leftovers. INTENTION makes all things possible. You can move mountains with it.

I'm so impressed with how far you've come since I first met you. Congratulations on that! Keep moving forward, you've clearly got what you need to make an amazing life.

Thank you MB, Figuring out what is real and what is gaslighting is still a WIP with me.

Ex and I were talking about D and some of the Middle school girl BS she is dealing with-and our difference in perspective came out in the most obvious way ever. I even think he was insulting me in a way-but it was one of those comments that it wasn't until about an hour after he left that I realized he was. My perspective with that MS girl drama is that it is more important to have a few good friends that like you for who you are and makes you feel good about being yourself. Once you get into HS it all works itself out and trying to keep up with the crowd stops mattering.

But Ex was telling her that she needs to separate herself from certain girls who come across as "exclusive"--but not the mean girl kind--the isolated from the "in crowd" kind. The kind of girls that don't care about the rest of the school politics and just enjoy their genuine frienship. Then he made a comment about how I probably was when I was a teenage. He knows my HS friends, they are still the ones I consider my best friends--AND, he is related to a few of them. I did just fine--thank you very much--but I never tried to be one of those girls that had to prove something and didn't need to be. I think this very obvious difference in "status" ideals is a huge barrier for us. Always has been. I wonder if he thought that I was one of those girls when he married me, then he realized I wasn't ashamed of my nerdy side--I have no interest in fashion, or status or putting people down--and I can be a shrinking violet when I am around girls like that. I weakness in his mind I guess.

I am really disgusted to think that this man in his mid-40s is now trying to Middle School status-shame his ex-wife and train his daughter to be phony so she won't be like me.

Maybe the difference is that because he is teaching middle school, he never left it. Time to grow up, buddy. I hate that he can suck me into it though. I think because I have to be at the school for the kids--and he has more prominence there than me because both him and his mistress work there--he feels he can still play that game. Typing it out right now makes me realize how ridiculous it really is. I also think he wants her to distance herself from some of those girls because the moms are friendly with me. They are friendly with everyone, but he knows that the lies he tells them doesn't hold up when I open up to people about what really happened. So he is trying to dictate her friendships.