Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 5

[AndrewP]

PsySara - As a man going to counseling in a rural area I might have a perspective here. My counselor has mentioned to me that I am one of the very few men she has ever dealt with. I think many men are reluctant to ask for help with emotional / personal issues.

Counseling will only work for him if HE believes it will, not if it is something YOU are pushing for him to do. When I first started looking for counseling it was because I realized that I was "broken" and had no clue on how to "fix" myself. I went looking to how to get stronger to survive my journey. In some ways this was no different than when I get a plumber to fix my hot water heater or my brother the tree surgeon to trim my lilacs. Perhaps I could do it myself, but why muck around when there is an expert who I can be confident will do the job right.

Selection of the "right" counselor is also critical I think. My first therapist was a disaster for me. I found out later that she was known to not work well with men. I had selected her because she was of a similar age to me and had good credentials. When I started to talk about the anger I felt she demanded to know how often I beat my wife (I abhor violence) and threatened to call the cops on me. My second counselor I got through a referral from my MD and she has been an almost literal life-saver. She's probably about 15 years younger than me but she "listens", asks pointed questions that make me think, is (mostly) non-judgemental and gives me homework to do (possibly because I ask for it).

Think hard too about your H and his relationships with women and men. For me a female counselor worked far better I think than a man would. For a man I wouldn't open up nearly as much as I would to a woman. I feel that I can be vulnerable around a woman but not a man. Not every man feels that way though I'm sure.

So - maybe do a sort of 180 on your H and counseling. See if HE can identify the basics of how your MR is broken and then call in the experts.

Just my 2 cents.