Thanks Sandi, this was the clarification I was seeking. You sent me the link about how a spouse can lose respect for their H, which is very relevant in my case. It discussed how you need to concentrate on being a man, rather than trying to be a good H at this time. But there were alot of suggested actions there, and some of them were definitely only relevant for a wife having an A. You stated : "Therefore, the H's response to those actions should be a much tougher love comparable to a W who is not in an A".
I believe waywardness is born in a heart of disrespect and resentment (and we could add other things, but those two areas are what I have observed as the common denominator in waywardness).
To clarify part of your confusion, hopefully, let me explain that we commonly see stories here where the WW is in full rebellion and involved in an A. (She may be displaying some other type of open rebellion, but affairs are typically what we see on the board). When the H has become aware of the A, and the W refuses to end the A and/or contact with her OM..........is when I believe he needs to enforce a tougher-love stance.
The purpose of the tougher love with a WW is not to be mean, punitive, vindictive, etc. She has to see her H acting from a place of inner strength; manliness; confidence; and the leader and head in his own household. She has to see that he will not tolerate her b.s. He won't be manipulated, bullied, etc. Yes, it initially makes her furious......but inwardly, the disrespect begins to die and be replaced with new seeds of respect for this strong male standing before her. And b/c a woman has to respect her H before she can feel attracted to him......those feelings will start to sprout again. Make sense?
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Im probably going to get flamed here, but is not asking about her day part of detachment. Like am I doing the right thing in showing less interest in what she is doing. I'm a long way from detaching fully, because even going into the MBR, is my temperature checking, as much as I would like to deny it.
Detaching is a mindset, IMHO. She should see you as if you are distracted by something other than her. And yes, she can tell when you are looking for a reaction.....or temp checking her. As counterintuitive as it seems, when she sees she is not the center of your every waking minute......it causes her to focus a little bit on you. She's curious, and may temp check you, in order to assure herself that you are firmly attached to her.
Here's the thing with a lot of WW's, okay? She may think she no longer wants to be your wife.......but she still wants you to be available to her, and she wants to continue receiving the benefits, without the commitment or responsibility from her.
Again, she doesn't have to be in an A to qualify as wayward. It's what's in her heart. If she no longer respects you as a man/husband, it will show in some way. If you have a record of caving to everything she wants, and allow her to pretty much run the show in the home & the MR.......and if you have the NGS......she may want to keep you for her BFF. She can have several friends, but only one can be her H. You need to stabilize your position as the H, first.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
