Still hanging on ... just

[Oluwa]

So have had to be up early last 2 mornings and with late nights have been getting quite tired. Still suffering from trapped nerve or something shoulder, which is interfering with my Yoga, Running, Aikido and Job. Damn you middle-aged body, you will comply to me demands ....

Have been keeping my distance compared to the last few years of the marriage. Things were pleasant at home today as we prepared for our Halloween Party. It's funny, but I feel less affectionate towards her as I feel I am trying to detach. In turn, she doesn't seem to be very close to me, this is always the fear, where I panic and thing I am driving her further away. As I keep saying, it makes sense, as I haven't consciously detached for all this time and we still seem to be in the same spot, so I don't think I have anything to lose, but it is tough. I have spent over a year, accepting the breadcrumbs she throws out when she feels she has to.

I did suffer today at work, lots of thoughts about the marriage and relationship and how I wish we weren't where we are. Last night when we were chatting I looked over at her and still felt such strong loving emotions towards her. She is still so beautiful to me, but she is beautiful towards me anymore, and I don't know how to get rid of the feelings of love for her so I can detach properly.

Its a learning process I guess, to change relationship habits of so many years, I can't expect to be different in a week!