Hi everyone, thank you for your advice and feedback.
job - I have read the link before and re reading it I have found myself nodding.
Nothing new to report really. H is still here, he went to his first counselling session and the day after wanted to talk about it, so we did. He feels he is further back now than before, that it is confirmed that is me he is having a problem with, not women in general. He said he has not given up hope of getting the spark back, but its now less probable and I should know this. He asked if I was happy for him to stay or do I want him to leave and that he does not want to put me under any more stress than necessary as it is killing him to know that he is hurting me once again. I replied no, that while he still has hope I have hope. We talked quite a bit about how much this is affecting him, he wants to have the full package and if I am not it then he does not want to give us "time" to see if we grow into each other the attraction develops, he said it will be too hard to get a year down the line and have to walk away from me then, that he would most probably stay and live a false life which would eventually blow up. He wants to have the opportunity to find said "full package" with someone else.
H said that the counselor (who is also my one) told him that we are both different people now, that 2 years is a long time apart, so it may be a case of him holding on to the history, love, caring, trust etc has made him feel I am his one and only, but that when he said he was no longer in love with me 2 1/2 yrs ago, he really had fallen out of love with me at that point and we are trying to find something that really isn't there anymore.
The IC suggested lots of things and h replied that we had tried them all, she was surprised we even share a bed and sleep naked together - it seems she slightly gave up with suggestions at this point. She wants to talk to him about the emotion and spiritual (not as in religion) side of our relationship next and try to take him back to when he was "in love" with me and hopes that will trigger off something for him. He is hoping she speaks to her mentors and gets some more ideas.
I get the feeling he really does want "us" and is genuinely disappointed that it is not happening and he really is trying to fix an issue he feels is too big to ignore. It makes all this even more heartbreaking. He talks about giving up everything for me as he was so sure it was right, that everything was right
Today was a little confusing, we were walking on the beach and he took my hand, I did not say anything, just allowed it to happen. He then went out and gave me a quick kiss goodbye. I wonder how that can be comfortable and non meaning of anything, but it seems it is. He has done it before so I know it means no more than it is for it.
So I am hanging in there, holding on to hope for dear life. Keeping things as happy and normal as possible. We laugh, we mess around and joke, we share stories, walk and talk. Trying to help him feel as comfortable in my company as possible, no pressure.
Underneath my heart is breaking, the tears have returned in private, the pain and emptiness feeling inside. The benefit of this being round 2 is that I know to feel it, let it happen and know that it will leave.
Thanks again for all your thoughts and hugs, I embrace them all xoxo
