Being good at disagreement

[Zues126]

Hey juju. Thanks for speaking up on the other thread. Don't take the backlash to heart. I appreciate what you said and understand where you were coming from. As for me, I won't post on that thread again myself. Not as a punishment because but simply because it's clear that poster and I won't have anything constructive to accomplish. He won't appreciate what I have to say, and I don't need more drama in my life either. I've learned through this process there will be people that appreciate me and people that don't, I'm not here to change that, just sort through and spend time where it makes sense.

So basically my husband, like many bachelors, liked being able to sleep late, liked being able to spend his money on anything, liked having no demands put on him.

When there is a child, there are demands. One cannot sleep late. One cannot spend like they once were able to. Children's toys everywhere. Family vacation to Sesame Street place instead of seasons football tickets and tail gating every other weekend. A wife that no longer dresses up and physically looks and acts like she once did. Instead she's a mom.

So why would a single guy electively choose that life when it's not even his kid?

I hear this J. But can't you also say that when you're in a relationship, there are also demands? Demands that you make your partner a priority and don't let them get backburnered behind the stress and day to day tasks that life throws at us?

Much of the budget must go towards securing the family, but can't there be some set aside for some splurging on occasion? Most days demand rising at the crack of dawn, but can't there be a weekend here and there where one can lounge around? Kids must be engaged and entertained, but can't there be some adult trips where the kids can be left with a family member? Appearance can be practical most days, but can't there be some date nights with mature outfits both for out of the home and back at home?

It seems logical that there is a balance needed. It's not an all or nothing. So what I've been trying to figure out is whether you feel it was your WAH that couldn't reach that balance and wouldn't budge an inch, or whether it was you that was out of balance and upset that he had expectations and demands either of you or for his own space. Or was it a combination that started to slip, and then turned into a freefall as you both fought for what you needed and resented the other for not meeting in the middle?

My best friend is going through that. He, like me, is a champion pool player. He is one of the most talented players in the country, who's life dream was to train and compete, and who has just a few years left before he's past his prime. His dream life would be to wake up, go to the gym and work out, then practice pool, then compete on the weekends in major events, trying to win a major tournament before it's too late.

His wife, on the other hand, doesn't understand why pool is so important to him. She is a marriage therapist so knows 'in her head' that it is important to him, and tries to respect that...but she wants him working full time to provide for the family, then with the kids in the evenings, and with her on the weekends.

They have gotten into serious jams because of this clash. My friend is committed to his marriage and won't walk or kill himself, but he has reached the point at times where he wishes he could just head out with his car and pool cue, or where he feels so trapped he wants to end it if it weren't for the children he would leave behind.

They are now in counseling, and one thing they are working on is a fixed schedule, clearly outlining his budget for how much time he can invest into pool and competition, and how much time he is willing to commit to the family. He is willing to work full time, be the family dad at night, and be with her on most weekends...in exchange, she is willing to accept that he'll be practicing 1 night a week, part of 1 day per weekend, and 1 weekend per month where he'll be out doing his own thing.

At first he felt this was rather restrictive. He believes she should just 'understand what he needs', 'feel what he feels', and just support him. He thinks things should just work out 'organically'. I was a big believer in the schedule.

See, without the schedule, things are murky. Both people can fear that their needs will be diminished, neglected, and forgotten. When a week or two go by where their needs are pushed into the background, it's easy to start feeling resentful, or extrapolating how things are getting worse, or how you can't live like this forever, etc.

But with a schedule he can handle making some sacrifices and missing a big tournament one weekend knowing that he has a trip out of state coming up with me in a few weeks. And she can rest easy while he's out of town knowing that he'll be back Monday and will be there for her for the count.

For me, personally, I would have LOVED something like this in some areas of my marriage. My XW was very opposed to sex being scheduled or negotiated, she was of the opinion that it should happen 'organically', that it shouldn't be a 'chore', and that there was something wrong with me if I wanted that from her if she wasn't in the mood to give it. But to me love is an act, not a feeling, and I DID need her, and it would've meant a lot for her to meet my needs despite how she felt, rather than neglecting me and making me responsible for her lack of actions by blaming her resentment on me. In turn I know I neither handled that well, carrying my own resentment and letting my obligations to the family slide as well.

So, with that all said...do you think you'd be able to find a middle ground and remain committed to making your own sacrifices to putting a relationship as the top spot in your life while you balance that with your commitments to your family? If you do, I don't see why any man would have an issue doing the same (although it might be difficult to negotiate at times). It's when the relationship becomes the shock absorbers for life and takes the brunt of the sacrifice that the love account goes into the red.