A WW? (5)

[mulesqb]

She wants to talk about the custody piece and I tell her I'm

not willing to do less than 50/50. She tells me I'm being selfish, am only thinking of myself, and she cannot go a full week without seeing my D (who's being selfish?). I hold my line there and she progressively gets nastier and drops an "f" bomb. I tell her I won't speak with her when she is talking to me like that and I leave. She screams behind me that I'm such an a-hole. I flip my laundry into the drier and she comes in the laundry room 5 minutes later. Speed about how unfair I am and how I'm putting D in a horrible place and W knows D will pick her in front of a judge. Spews a bit more then turns around and walks away.

You did great here lt...I wouldn't even acknowledge some of the BS she is throwing out. But she is clearly talking to D about you and probably bad mouthing you which is not what a good mother would do. She should be shielding her from the situation, not involving her and not trying to get her aligned with her...just terrible..

in turn, I go to her and tell her that I've given this situation a ton of thought and the best thing for our D is a 50/50 split. I'm happy to take full custody and W can do the 2hrs and evening visits and every other weekend side of things if she would like (what she thinks I should do).

Again, great job..

W starts crying about the week on week off and how she cannot go for a week without seeing D. W tells me how D doesn't trust me, she only likes being around me when we are having fun. W tells me how horrible of a person I am and how it's ridiculous that I think D trusts me. I validate with I hear you, but I don't agree with you for most of it. We have about 10 minutes of actual productive talk where she opens up about her fears in all this, but we end up back in spew land. She says there is no way a judge will grant 50/50 and I'm only hurting myself by refusing to negotiate away from that.

DO NOT VALIDATE...repeat...DO NOT VALIDATE..why would you? Do you really agree with her that you're a horrible person that your D can't trust...absolutely not...how about.."it's unfortunate that you feel this way. Going forward I certainly do not need you to manage my relationship with our D. And I would appreciate you not discussing my R with her as it's not helpful during this very difficult time for her."

And regarding the 50/50 discussion. She doesn't know what she is talking about so I would end the conversation and not give her the time of day over it.

W brings up 2 weeks ago when she says I broke a promise to D about taking her to school. I let her go for a bit,but she keeps coming back to it. (This is the promise W made to D on my behalf, unbeknownst to me). W says D told her I made a BS apology to her and D doesn't trust me to live up to any promises as I so clearly broke that one with D. Problem with that is that D is the one who told me W made that promise and D told me I wasn't around when she did. W keeps beating on it and using that as the reason D would never trust me.

Stop engaging in these conversations...they are not helpful in any way. Put an end to them. "Sorry you feel that way, but I don't agree" and then walk away.

Finally I tell W what D told me. W tells me I'm full of [censored]. That's not what happened. I am a liar, etc. I calmly tell W I know what happened and I'm very confident in the trust between D and I.

Again lt, you really need to stop engaging in these conversations.

W then pokes me about moving out. She says to me "can you at least admit that I'm the primary caregiver for our D?" She keeps asking that question. I tell her we are 50/50 parents and both take care of the needs of our D. That makes her angry, she calls me delusional, and she keeps asking that question. I continue to tell her that I do not agree with her on that.

Sorry you feel that way. Then leave. Let her spew. Not your problem. This is the damage that she has caused. Let her sit in it by herself.

I tell her that I am just about he most rational and honest person she could be dealing with right now. I say she has told me the MR is over and while I won't push this forward, I won't stand in the way of her doing that. She tells me to stop playing the victim, she cries more about how awful it's been for her and D having to deal with me. How she is trying to get D out of this horrible situation I have created. How D continues to ask for me to live elsewhere. How if I were reasonable I'd move out for 2 months and leave her and D here. I tell her we can get an apartment and do week on and week off until the house is sold if that's what she needs but I will not do anything less than 50/50. She then says we need to tell D. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell D until we see the co-parenting counselor and discuss with her. I ask W when her appointment is and she says they won't call her back so she doesn't have one. They came back to me asap when I booked mine. Unsure what Ws deal is there. W says there is some other reason I won't tell D right now. I tell her I'm unwilling to tell my D without a well thought plan that's been vetted by the counselor. W says D will be ecstatic so we don't need a plan. W then agrees to do it after we see co-parenting counselor.

Rinse, lather, wash..repeat. Stop engaging. She's projecting. Stop giving her an audience.

Hammers again on the primary caretaker thing. She gets pissed. Says the conversation is over and she can't talk to me anymore. All I do is disagree with her. All I am is angry and picking fights all the time. She wants to have dinner and not think about me for the rest of the evening. She tells me I can speak to her on text if I have anything else to say to her. I try to ask a question, she gets more mad,so I just get up and leave.

See above..

W then texts me 5 minutes later with more questions around our Roth IRA and our family trust documents. It's nuts. W did try to drag me down the path of our MR being fixable and why I thought that. I'm unwilling to have that discussion anymore.

So, I'm neutral here. I didn't let her pull me down the nasty path she was going. I probably should have cut the conversation at the start but I felt like I was ok having it. I will not bed from my 50/50 split of custody bc I know that's best for my D. My W is not someone I want my D around all the time now. W is not stable enough to give D what she needs by herself. I'm a rock and I will be there for my D through this. I won't let my Ws emotions/irrational behavior de-stabilize D. I used the "I'm sorry you feel that way but I do not agree" phrase so many times that by the end my W told me to stop saying that.

You are just having way too many conversations with her. That's the biggest issue here.

Curious on thoughts? Should I have just told her to beat it at the start of the conversation? She still seems off balance. She is still telling what I believe to be lies about Ds and my relationship. I found myself worried she was recirding the convo too based on the primary caretaker question. Maybe I'm paranoid.

Yes, you should put an end to it. Unfortunately this will become a business transaction if it moves to a D. You need to keep your thoughts to yourself and be mysterious. Let it drive her crazy. This is what she has caused. This is about you changing and becoming a leading man. Be above her. Less words., more action. More detaching. More Strength and Honor.

I'll continue to do what I believe is best for my D, rehardless of how W views it. I'm doing that bc it's the right thing to do and my D deserves the best shot at stability she can get. Going to bed, but I'm doing so with a clear conscience and at peace mind. I know I'm doing the right thing for D. W has to have some inkling that she is not. Who knows. Thanks all!

Stop trying to read her mind. That doesn't matter.

The takewaway here: Stop validating any negativity towards you. Let her own that.

Stop engaging in so much R talk with her.

Don't let her manage your R with D.

A loving parent wouldn't include her D in R conversation. Your D needs to be protected from that or put in therapy/counseling immediately. It is damaging to her. TRUST me on that.

Any custody talk is left to Ls.

You can handle this lt.

Strength and Honor.

Mules



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